"It's over Amanda. Sweetie. You can relax now."
Olivia's hand gently sweeps through my hair, her lips ever so gracefully graze my check my body can't seem to stop shaking. "I don't feel like it's over Sarge. I can't shake him, I feel sickened. No matter how many times I shower, I can't get him off me, I feel him in me, hear his voice."
"Listen to me Amanda, sweets." Olivia's legs are wrapped around my waist, my head is resting on her chest both of us curled up on the couch in her office. "I'll drown it out Rollins, let me sing to you. Does that sound okay?"
My throat is stuck I can't breathe, swallow, sobs stick in the back of my subglottic space. Tiny gasps wail out in spastic, sporadic sequences. "Shh, Honey, let it out, you have nothing to be ashamed of, I'm so sorry that you've carried this alone for so long, God, I wish I had listened to you back then." sniffling I look up meeting her eyes which are filled with tears, pain, and anger. Her fingers warmly pressed against my checks. "When?" She helps me to sit up when I start to cough her hand rubs gently against my back as giant sobs wrench through my guts, it becomes harder to breathe. My face is heating up I can feel him on my skin, holding my wrists tightly. I can see him leering over me, his deep southern accent rolling off his tongue like the chorus in a country song full of tang and sass. "You'll never escape me, Amanda, I know where you live." his breath sinks of anger and whiskey. The stinging sensation of his hand smashes me across my left cheek, hard. I can't cry, breathe or even think. My body is frozen, I feel so exhausted. "Stop Squirming, bitch." "Ow...Stop Chief Patton, Please, dear god please stop!"
His hand smacks me again harder drawing blood on my lips which I feel swelling. "I said stop it, you goddamn whore." My whole body is strained from fighting his, body weighs on top of me. Too much weight. I can't breathe I'm so scared, I've never felt this hopeless, this fear is river deep rolling as fast and rigid as the Chattooga River. Never in my life have I felt plunged so deep into the bottom of the riverbank of fear. Mind-numbing fear, it's horrifying to be held down have your clothes ripped off your body, to have your pride, soul and dignity, and self- respect taken away in one act of horror.
I scream as the next blow comes at me as his hands grip my shirt pushing it up, pain so fierce it rips me open waves of nausea began washing through me. "Please Chief don't do this, please I am sorry," I was unable to stop crying and shaking. I felt transported into a different universe. There was nothing, nothing I could do. I couldn't run, I couldn't fight him. I tried hard though scratching, biting his ear, he hit me harder, I couldn't plead any longer. He wasn't listening. My body was tense fear was gripping me. He pushed my hands above my head, he enters me, I can't stop screaming, "think about your sister, Rollins, think of how sweet that dirty little mouth would feel on my most private parts, I bet her cherry lips would give me the most amazing, so either shut-up or I go propose this towards sweet little Kim."
I am powerless, I feel helpless, why is this happening? Why do I always have to be Kim's savior? I'm so tired of fighting, I am always fighting for everything, from the time I was born. I had to fight for my rights from shelter, safety, love, food, education. Not just mine but hers too, it made me grow up fast, maybe if I hadn't protected Kim every chance she would have grown up, learned to fight her own battles. I give up my body goes slack his laughter echo's off the walls.
"Manda, honey. what's going on? Calm down, my love. I need you to breathe for me, please baby girl lay down." I can't breathe why can't Liv see that? I'm so dizzy my chest is so tight, fingers so stiff.
"Breathe with me Rollins 1..2...3 keep your head held up, look at me, I need you to look me in the eyes, you're safe hun, I'm here no one will hurt you again. I promise I won't let them." I'm not sure how long it is until my body gives out collapsing in my Sargent's lap. My whole body is shaking sweaty but I feel frozen like I am stuck in a state of Permanent December. I never use to mind the winter months growing up in Southern Georgia the lowest climate we've ever experienced was 50 degrees. Even in mid-February; I can remember going to school in shorts and short sleeve shirts. Since moving to New York I've started to hate Dec-Marchh, I adjust of course but every December it hits me hard the first snowfall always makes me feel like I am stuck inside a glazier, after being soaked in a hurricane. It's not just a physical effect though, whenever I see the snow falling my depression rages full frontal.
