Tense

8 - Thoughts too precarious to share

••••
Say you'll see me again,
Even if it's just in your
Wildest dreams
••••

Dinner was a true salvation, so much so that I neither paid much attention to Yana's and Silvia's conversation nor the hushed whispers of the few girls who remained in the grand room which was the dining hall. The walls were lined with tall marble statues between the tall windows that allowed a wide view on the garden, which was dimly lit with lanterns in the dark of the dawning night longing for me to explore it. Unfortunately I had no way of sneaking away with Silvia making sure we eat and showing us to our rooms. Following her obediently we were lead upstairs to the first floor of the Ladies' Residence. The floor's balustrade looked upon the indoor garden which was now lit by a fire in the middle of the sitting area enchanting the small jungle and the soft ripple of the pond echoing through the air. With the absent of laughter and our steps echoing through the halls the place felt almost abandoned to nature if it wasn't for the lamps illuminating the floors as vines and plants engulfed the balustrade climbing up the walls. "Lady Leah, this will be your room." She gestured to a big double winged door with the number 11 etched into a gold plate. The Door was situated next to a different staircase on the corner of the square shaped main hall. "You may find yourself alone tonight, as I don't believe Lady Charlotte managed to arrange maids to attend to your needs. Will you manage?" She said in a friendly tone. I nodded and thanked her, eagerly putting my hand on the handle of the door. "It's been a long day for all of us." I say with a slight smile towards the women. Yana agreed with a yawn escaping her. "Good night, Lady Leah." Silvia said and Yana hugged me as she was wishing me a good night before turning left together further down the long corridor. I stepped into the dark room. Like Silvia said, no maids in sight and the garden's lanterns illuminated a waiting room which was oddly decorated with antique looking furniture contrasting with the crescent shaped mirror wall, where my dark silhouette was barley reflected from multiple times. The marble floor echoed under my short heels as I strode towards the window. I could not see very far into the darkness as the lanterns in front of my window blinded the view on what laid behind them. The silence made me grew pensive as I let myself fall down on the parsley patterned couch which caught my fall as softly as a safety net. The white ceiling staring back at me from far away making me feel so small. Everything in this palace was so grand and vast making me feel insignificant to it all, as if lost in a maze so grand there was no escape. I grimly thought back to my conversation with Lady Charlotte. We take raw diamonds and polish them. She had said. We were here for entertainment. I thought to myself. With the 'contest' of the prince coming up I let out a bitter laugh. What grander spectacle could there be than finding the prince a bride. My only hope was that my role in this contest was none existent. I had no intention of marriage, love and certainly not being chosen like meat at the market. Memories of the past flooded my mind. When I was just a child my mother had introduced me to boys of respectable families so that I would at least not marry a stranger when the time would have come. I mostly just threw books at the boys when no one was looking as soon as they annoyed me to some extent. Oh Mama, how I miss you now. My mother had always tried to shelter me from everything that did not concern my studies or the court. It worked to some extend, but growing up with my older cousins surrounding me as they were training with the national guard did not have a good influence on me. When I was just 8 they thought me how to hold a sword and sneaking out of my duties from time to time I found myself standing on the sidelines mimicking the training with a small wooden sword. If you had only known what I got up to when you didn't watch, Mama. I think with a sad smile on my face as a tear escaped my eye . This palace, as different it was from the grand halls of tradition and centuries worth of history which was the Spanish palace, it still invoked a deep sense of familiarity. But even though I felt comfortable, something had me feel on edge. What will life be from now on? I was just more than grateful to be here, yet I was anxious. At least in Vermont I was safe, just another orphan girl in the slums, but I couldn't shake off the feeling that this palace could be dangerous if I wasn't careful. Court was always dangerous, at least socially, one misstep and you are dead to them, yet one misstep of mine and I would face actual death. My heart raced in my chest and as I felt my mind going in circles anxiety grew and grew making me take shallow quick breaths. No one can know. What if they know already? My breath grew quicker making me hyperventilate. I have to get out of here. The thought interrupted my frenzy mind for a second and I sprung up running towards the door of my room. Searching for an escape I quickly ran down the stairs through the first door I saw. Finding myself on the narrow bamboo path my heart still raced and flight instincts took over as I pushed myself through the thick bamboo, landing myself on a vast clearing running across it towards the light I saw east of me. Unfortunately it didn't take long for the grass to stop at a balustrade. Glancing onto the flickering lights my field of vision became clearer while my breathing slowed down, the pain in my chest faded, and the beauty of the yellow flickering lights calmed my mind. I was leaning on the railing, the flickering lights in front of me, noticing I ended up in what was a secluded alcove  between small trees and blooming bushes. Everything was okay. I told myself before scolding myself in my mind for running away from my room not even knowing in which direction I had to go back. I felt stupid for getting lost. My mind got distracted again as the bushes began to softly rustle to reveal a man in their shadow. I couldn't make out his face, but he looked distraught, hair standing to all sides, his tie almost loose around his neck. He sighed and sat on the bench, burying his face in his hands, not caring I was standing just a few steps away from him.