rage and recovery

you entered through a border i didnt know existed

how much is too much?

how do you know the difference

between fighting for something 

for someone that lights a fire in your chest

and destroying yourself over something

over someone who doesn't want to be saved?

is this lump in my throat what butterflies

are supposed to feel like

or is it a warning sign? 

is it my body telling me to run?

but if I always run, 

if I always put feet to the pavement

when something gets too real

then how do I know when its time to 

endure the fear and the sickness

and let myself leap off the ledge

no matter if someone is there to catch me or not?

how do I know the difference between

letting myself be engulfed in emotions I am terrified of

and lying to myself to keep the cycle of destruction moving?

and how do I know that you aren't going to use me up

and leave me in the dirt like yesterday's cigarette? 

and if i do this, 

if i let you in,

how do i know that it will not be my undoing?

when i look at you,

i can see why

for centuries women have thrown away 

all sense and direction and fear

and fell fully into the arms of men

with that sparkle in their eyes and

that sharpness to their smile.

i am no stronger than those before me,

but i am also no softer than those who 

scream and yell and bang on the glass

of the prison men like you 

trap women like me in.

the air is warm and the night is young,

but when the wind ruffles your hair

i can smell the danger it carries off into the night

and i can hear the warning it whispers in my ear.

men like you ruin women like me