rage and recovery

i need something stronger than time to heal this broken heart

they say time heals all wounds

but how can you say 

the scar on my chest is just a memory

when every time i wake up

and roll out of bed

and walk around the house

i check to see if he is still

sitting quietly at his desk

face illuminated by the numbers on the screen

and not fifty miles in the wind

with a knapsack on his back

and an apology letter in his fist?

and how can you say time heals all wounds

when my stomach drops into my toes

when i hear raised voices over the sound

of shower water hitting the tub

and my mind begins to play a movie

of popping veins and tv remotes

shattering against cream-colored walls

and i wonder if my world 

will implode once again

because of wandering eyes and wandering hands

and a man too weak to cage his wandering heart?

so when you stand in front of me

fingertips against my skin

and ask me why

every time you step too close,

my eyes dart to the doors 

as if I'm planning an escape route,

remember that softness and safety

have always been nothing more to me

than a smokescreen for shuttered lies

and empty apologies,

and try to understand that it will take time

for me to look at anyone 

that claims to see the light in my smile

and not see the man that took

every piece of my childlike innocence

and dashed it on the pavement

to make way for his greed and rage.

and understand that,

while my heart may write a thousand

love letters to your touch and your smile

and your hands and your soul,

it still chases after the man who

was supposed to protect that little girl

and begs for refuge in his arms.

they say time heals all wounds,

and i want so desperately to 

give up my fears to lean into

this prayer and let it be true,

but the terror that fills my mouth

and suffocates me with its heat

makes it hard for me to remember why

i should fight for a safety like you.

time has never been on my side,

but that look in your eyes

and the softness of your touch

may just be the cure 

that this battered, broken heart needs

to finally be free of the betrayal 

that wreaked havoc 

on the innocence of her life.