The Dealers

Chapter 21 - Lena

Once I got home from the club that night, I found it impossible not text Jacob. If I occupied him, he wouldn't focus on Owen. Also, I kept texting Haley since she was still working. She was kind enough to give me updates on the situation.

Thankfully, according to Haley, Owen was on his best behavior and after I left, Jacob begrudgingly went back into his office. Drifting off to sleep at nearly three a.m, I had done all I could, in my mind, to prevent something bad from happening. Closing my eyes to sleep finally, I hoped that I wouldn't wake up to bad news.

Instead, on Friday morning, I woke up to nothing out of the ordinary. Not even a single message from Noah, either. Ignoring that, I knew Jacob was sleeping after leaving the club undoubtedly after the sun started to rise, I sent him a text so that he could fill me in.

Being a little tired since I didn't fall asleep until the early morning hours yet again, I somehow found a tinge of peace for the first time in the last few days as I wasn't rushing to class as usual. The drama from last night seemed to have dissipated and for the first time in days, I didn't wake up obsessing about Noah. He hadn't reached out again and while I could have, I told myself he was the one that left. If he wanted to be gone, I wasn't going to pine after him pathetically.

Whatever Noah was doing, that was on him and not me. If he came back, we could talk about things but as it stood in my mind, I wasn't waiting around for anyone or anything. I'd forgotten myself lately and that needed to stop.

Having expectations was the surest way to get hurt.

I needed to put myself first. I had forgotten what it was like to take care of myself and not worry about what anyone else thought about it. Noah made his decision and I had to make my own—for me, not for him.

Still, I wasn't oblivious to the fact that after class, once I started my late Friday night shift at the club, Dorian would likely be there. While I was glad to see Jacob's father, his brother was another subject entirely.

My somewhat relaxed morning began to sour with worry as I forced myself to go through inevitable scenarios once Dorian and I did come face to face after almost a year of him being gone.

One year.

My birthday last year was the last time I set eyes on Dorian and for a longtime afterward, I was a mess because of him. What I thought was a blossoming relationship was suddenly unplugged when Dorian decided he couldn't commit and wanted to leave.

Just like that, someone I thought I loved and that loved me back, was gone. Without more than a single text, he left me and I never fully understood why.

Over the years, I chalked it up to my not being good enough. That made sense. Dorian was a handsome businessman in the big city and I was the bartender at a small club struggling to get through grad school. After I had convinced myself that it was me, not him, it started making more sense that I was the reason he left.

What else could it be?

It didn't matter anymore. Dorian left and never came back. My messages were subsequently unreturned and I gave up trying. Eventually, I got over him and how he broke my heart, though, I never quite got over the mentality that I wasn't good enough. That sort of thing tended to stick with a person.

I hated that I was somehow scarred by what Dorian decided wasn't a relationship worth pursuing. Never having a say in your own heartbreak was hard to process.

Without wanting to, I thought back to that time last year when Dorian was still very much a part of my life. It truly did seem like a lifetime ago considering everything that was going on in my life at the moment. I tried to reminded myself that what happened with Dorian, happened for a reason.