The Dealers

Chapter 58 - Lena

For what seemed like eternity, I remained in the library with everyone while they rushed around busily and I just sat there in a daze. I thought through the different ways I could fix things but nothing solid came to mind. I didn't want to hurt anyone else and in the end, I had to believe that my choice was the right choice.

    It was getting late and Eli left to get dinner for everyone. I couldn't think about food but maybe while everyone was distracted by eating, I could find time to slip away. I needed space to think and I needed time to figure out a game plan. Whatever I did would be spontaneous to say the least. I couldn't rely on timing or things going perfectly because they never would—my life was proof of that.

    "You have to eat." Azrael leaned in as he handed me a bowl of pasta.

    I felt nauseated but I pretended to take bites. I needed everyone to worry as little about me as possible and that was nearly impossible—especially with Noah watching me like a hawk.

    "Do you have this root on the grounds?" Tessa asked as she opened a page to the book she was reading and showed us the picture.

    "I think they grow by the cliffs." Finn offered as he examined the picture closer. "Isn't that what mom used to put in the balm for burns?"

    Eli looked it over and nodded, "I'm almost certain it is."

    Tessa looked up with a hopeful grin on her face.

    Hope. What was it like to hope again?

    "We need a lot of this." Tessa explained. "This can help slow things down and buy us some time."   

    "Does she have to ingest that shit?" Noah chimed in. "That stuff is potent."

    "It won't be terrible once I turn it into a tea." Tessa offered. "But, it won't be chamomile."

    "And it's safe for her?" He added.

    "As safe as we can expect." Tessa explained.

    I was grateful that Tessa was still on our team despite getting nothing but disrespect from Azrael and a rude tone from Noah. This wasn't her fault and she was just trying to help.

    "I'll go right now." Noah offered immediately as Azrael stood up to do the same.

    "One of us has to stay with her." Noah argued.

    "I'm not an infant." I said sassily. "I can watch myself."

    Noah looked at Azrael and then at me, "Eli will stay with you."

    "If you all think I'm in need of a babysitter then I'll just go with you." I said defiantly.

    I wasn't sure what my endgame was but I hated that they weren't giving me any space. I was suffocating far quicker than anything else we were dealing with.

    "She'll come with me." Azrael said sternly—his voice deep and unwavering.

    "Fine." Noah barked back, rolling his eyes. "Let's get the show on the road."

    Finishing up dinner, everyone got ready to make the trek. It was late by then and dark as death but somehow a hike onto a giant cliff seemed like a solid idea.

    Then it hit me.

    It was a solid idea.

    It was my out.

    My demeanor must have changed in that instant because Azrael leaned in again and pulled me closer to him.

    "Nothing is going to happen to you, do you understand me?" He sighed and I could feel the tension in his breath. He was worried and I had never seen this level of humanity in him before. It caught me off guard.

    I piled on a sweater, winter coat and boots before Noah walked over and handed me a beanie for my head.

    "You'll freeze without this." He said casually before walking away.

    I could feel that there was so much left he wanted to say but couldn't.

    It hurt knowing that he probably wouldn't get the chance after all. No one would. The problem would be over soon enough and everyone might be sad at first but in the end, they would be better off.

    I had to remind myself that they would be better off.

    As much as I felt like the day had been a daze, nothing compared to the numbness I felt once I decided on a plan. Once I knew, without a doubt that I was going to go through with it and that I would never actually be walking back to this place again, it hit me hard.

    I studied the faces around me as they hurried to get ready. They moved in blurs but to me, everything was in slow motion. My processing speed slowed and it felt like so did my hear rate. I pushed back the tears brimming, hot and heavy on my eyes and forced back a breakdown.

    I had to hold it together.

    It would just be for a short while longer.

    I stared blankly at everyone and everything around me—especially Noah. I wanted desperately to pull him in for a hug and tell him that I would always love him. But that was something I couldn't do. It would ruin everything.

    So instead, I had to leave this place hoping that he knew. I had to cling tightly to the thought that deep down inside, he knew how I felt for him and all of the unspoken things I wanted to say to him.

    There was nothing I could do about anything else. I could only fix this one problem—me.

    "What's going on in that head of yours?" Noah leaned in as I zoned out on the beautiful aspects of his face. I had come to know them so well and yet somehow, in a short while, he had become somewhat of a stranger.

    I blinked back to reality and I tried to smile as convincingly as I could.

    "I'm just tired." I replied—which actually was not a lie.

    "It's going to be ok." He said simply, holding back the same emotions I was trying to desperately to contain myself.

    Those words in itself was almost enough to make me lose what control I had left.

    But, I held it together.

    "I'll take you guys out there." Eli explained to me, Azrael and Noah once we were ready to go. "Finn will stay with Tessa and they'll keep working on this stuff."

    Noah nodded and Azrael wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me in closer.

    This was goodbye.