Cast The Die

Chapter Thirty-One

I dreamed I was waking up in my own bedroom, getting ready to go to school, eating breakfast with my parents. Life was normal again. I miss the days where I'd wake up annoyed because I'd been dreaming about Auden, which made me think of him. I wondered if he was worried about me or if he had a new girlfriend. The last time I saw him he looked so worried, I'd just ran away from him because I was drunk and upset about my parents and he was being so nice to me. I started to think about what would have happened if I'd just stayed at the party, if Jen and I walked home together we would both be in this mess together. I would never want that to happen to her and I'm glad it didn't, but I miss her so much and I'd do anything to be able to see her right now.

I rolled over in the bed to look at the time, it was 10am. The sun was peeking through the gap in the curtains like it does in my bedroom at home. I had sudden flashbacks; from going downstairs to get the painkillers to being curled up in a ball on Cole's lap and my cheeks flush thinking about it. It's extremely hot in this room, I don't have any other clothes to wear and I don't think there are any shopping centres nearby. I climbed out of bed and walked over to the drawers next to the window, the first drawer was full of extra blankets, I definitely didn't need one of those, the second was empty and in the bottom drawer there was a hairdryer, extra toothbrushes and other toiletries. On the back of the bathroom door there was a plain white bath robe, it was soft, like it was brand new. I struggled in the shower because every time I lifted my arms, I got a shooting pain in both of my sides. I wrapped myself in the bath robe, admiring the material against my skin.

As I walked down the stairs, I prayed that Cole was already up, so I didn't have to sit down here alone. I don't feel as bad whilst it's day light compared to the darkness of the night. He was lighting the fire when I walked into the room, I didn't know if I should say good morning or clear my throat to let him know I'm there. Does he feel awkward about last night? Does he think I'm a psychopath?

"Morning" he said, glancing down at the bath robe and then scratching the back of his head. I instantly regret coming down here wearing this.

"Found it in the bathroom. I was too hot wearing the hoody and sweatpants" I explained.

"I have some clean clothes in the boot of my car. Just a few t-shirts and a clean pair of jeans. It's a habit, I'm on the road a lot. I don't mean...You can...I just..." he started rambling.

"It's okay" I laughed. "The sweats are fine" I smiled.

"Do you want some coffee?" he asked.

"I'd love some" I said. "I'll just go and dry my hair" I smiled and walked back up the stairs.

I dried my hair, I got dressed into the sweatpants and hoody, put on some deodorant for the first time in a week and tied my hair back into a ponytail with one of the scrunchies from the drawer. I walked into the kitchen to the smell of coffee in the air. Cole handed me a mug of coffee and a bottle of milk from the fridge.

"Do you take sugar?" he asked.

"No, thank you" I replied. He walked over to the table and reached into a black duffle bag, like the one he brought to the storage unit.

"You don't have to wear it, but if you want to you can" he said, putting a plain black t-shirt that matched the one he was wearing, onto the table in front of me. I smiled and took a sip of my coffee.

"Did you sleep okay?" he asked, sitting down on one of the chairs.

"Yeah. Did you?" I replied.

"Yeah." He lied. The bags under his eyes complimented the bruises on his jaw.

"I'm sorry about last night" I said, looking down at my mug.

"Will you stop apologising?" he said sternly.

"Sorry" I said without thinking. He started to laugh, and I couldn't help but join him. After a moment of silence, I cleared my throat. "I would really like to go home" I said quietly.

"Yeah? So would I" he said, slamming the mug onto the table. He pushed the chair back and stormed out, slamming the front door behind him. And just like that, he's back to being angry. I feared that he's gotten in the car and drove off, leaving me here to fend for myself, but he wouldn't do that, he's just as wanted as I am. I could feel myself starting to sweat again, so I took the t-shirt into the bathroom and quickly changed. As I pulled the fabric over my body, I felt shivers down my spine, I looked in the mirror and butterflies formed in the pit of my stomach. I always thought my first-time wearing boys' clothes would be my boyfriends, but for some reason, I don't think it would make me feel the way I do right now.

I opened the door to see Cole on the decking, leaning on the wooden railing. The outline of the muscles in his back are showing through his t-shirt. I walked over to the other side of the decking behind him and leaned against the table. The weather was amazing, the skies were clear blue, the sun was beaming, and it made me think of Jen. She loves summer, we both do, whenever the weather is nice, we always find fun things to do, like going to the beach or going for walks in the park and maybe pack a picnic. I miss her so much.

"I'd say sorry but I'm afraid I'll make things worse" I broke the silence, trying to make a joke. He doesn't turn around or say anything. "I didn't mean to upset you" still nothing. "I just meant I miss my parents and my friends" I continued, I'm not sure what I'm trying to do. I don't want him to be angry. "I know you miss your family too; you shouldn't be in this mess" still silence. "Look, I know you're upset but I didn't ask you to save me!" I shouted, begging for some sort of reaction. He turned his head to look at me, his jaw dropped, and his eyes were focused on the t-shirt. "If you just did your job and let me die you could have gone home to your family!" I shouted again. What am I doing? Why am I saying this?

"You think I regret saving you?" he said harshly, turning his body to face me.

"Yeah. I do" I said, just as harsh.

"Well, maybe I should have just left you to die!" he shouted. How has this happened? After he was being so nice to me last night, he's just turned on me like he's got two personalities.

"Yeah. Maybe you should have!" I shouted back.

"Well I'm fucking sorry for saving your stupid fucking life!" he shouted even louder.

"Oh, don't apologise!" I screamed, mocking him. "I should be thanking you! Thank you for kidnapping me and then SAVING me!" I'm waving my arms in the air like a lunatic, fighting back tears. I've never been good at arguing, I always end up crying.

"You wouldn't have been kidnapped if your Dad wasn't such a fucking arsehole!" he snapped, clenching his jaw. I can't believe what I'm hearing.

"What, because he's a drug dealer? So are you! At least he hasn't kidnapped any seventeen-year-old girls!" I think we're both saying things we're going to regret. I don't know how this has escalated so much.

"I wasn't the one who kidnapped you, I did everything I fucking could to try and stop them!" he shouted. "Stop being so fucking naïve. He lied to you your whole life; they both did! Trying to fucking protect you and look what happened!"

"Why are you being so mean?" I screamed. "What happened in the last ten minutes that made you so angry?" after the words left my mouth, I couldn't help but think how much we sounded like a couple arguing.

"You think I'm being mean?" he laughed. "You really are clueless" he said.

"Yes, you're being mean! Why help me and then act like this? Why are you so angry? One minute everything is fine and then it's like you flip a switch and you're someone else! You don't have to be all tough because I know it's just an act!" I've never heard my voice so high-pitched. I don't think I've ever felt this angry. "You don't have to be so cruel! If I'm going to be stuck here, I don't want to..." Before I can even blink, I feel his hands on my cheeks and his lips are on mine, pushing me against the table. I pull away and our eyes meet, his dark brown eyes stare into mine like he's looking into my soul. I press my lips against his and my hands find his hair. The butterflies fill my stomach as he kisses me, I can taste the minty scent of his breath and my legs become weak. He pulls away, keeping his hands on my cheeks and his eyes fixed on mine. The sound of his phone buzzing makes him move away completely and I suddenly feel bare, like a piece of me is missing. A piece I didn't know I needed.