Morphed

Chapter 18

It had been 2 whole months since I had seen my brother smile. It was killing me not knowing if he would be alright.

I would sit in the hospital all day since it was summer break and tell him about my day and my life. Sometimes Gavin or some of my other school friends would drop by. The ones who weren't as close to me would just say sorry. Sometimes Andrew's friends or previous one night stands would come too, but I didn't want them here. I just wanted to be with my brother.

"You'll never guess what happened today, Andrew." I paused. "I finally got over my fear of spiders! And I killed it, just like that. You would be so proud of me, Andrew. I know you would." I stared at him for a minute, realizing I needed to tell him, or somebody how I felt. "Sometimes, Andrew, I wonder what you're thinking right now or what it's like for you. Every single morning I wake up and dread what news I might get, because I never know what it will be. Whenever anyone says your name I flinch, just trying to avoid the truth that I hurt you. I made you be like this. And I will never forgive myself if you don't make it. You have to make it Andrew." I squeezed his hand tighter.

"You always were the best brother and I wish I could've saved you from me. I never wanted to hurt you." A sob escaped me. "I love you, Andrew. It's time to wake up, kid. Remember the first car ride to school? You know what you said? 'You nervous, kid?'" I stopped, trying to remember that day more clearly. A tear found it's way out of my eye and rolled down my cheek. "I would do anything to go back to that day and instead of saying 'a little', to just say no. Plain and simple. I didn't want to worry you. God dammit, Andrew. I just wanted to scream at you sometimes, especially when you made me go on that run with you and I fractured my ankle," I imagined myself that day, going back to when I got to the hospital. "I don't know how, but I did." Somehow, I managed to laugh. That only made me choke on my cries. "I wear your shirts to sleep, you know? And I wear your sweatshirts. It makes me actually think you're here. I sleep in your bed too. Sorry." I attempted a dry laugh.

"I think Gavin might really like me, bro. I know I really like him. Maybe I shouldn't like my brothers friend, but I do and I don't regret it. He's helping me hold onto the little piece of sanity I have left. Have I already been here 3 hours? Doesn't feel like it.

"I wish you could hear me. I'd probably be annoying you if you could, because I just won't stop talking. It's just, if I stop talking, how will I know if you're still there? That doesn't make much sense, but maybe my words will fuel you to keep fighting the demons." I stared at his blank face, closed eyes, now pale skin. "I just wish that you were awake, and here with me right now. That would turn my world upside down.

"Why didn't you fight, kid? Why didn't you fight Dr. Overly? Did he drug you?

"Everyone misses you. I miss you the most though. Even if I don't talk, I'm here everyday. Why won't you just wake up and listen to me?" Tears raced down my cheeks. "I need you here, with me now. I can't stand another day without you. I will never, ever, forgive myself. I'm so sorry Andrew, I love you." I set my head on his chest and cried until the nurses came in and told me visiting hours were over. Then I left, without another word. And I ran. I ran to my new car, then drove to the place Andrew took me running and I almost broke my ankle because of an uneven piece of sidewalk.

I sat down on a bench and started throwing rocks at the ground. This is the same bench that Andrew set me down on after the accident. One deep breath. Two deep breaths. This is where Andrew would come almost everyday, and I stared at the sidewalk, knowing part of him had been there before. I stood up and walked away from the bench and laid on my back on the grass. This is where we had done the 'real laugh' test. Three deep breaths. This place was one of the only thing keeping me from doing something drastic to myself. And I loved this place for that.

"Come back, Andrew." I murmured. "Come back."

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Sorry for how short this chapter was, I just felt the need to share a little more about their background together and put some emotion :) thanks for 1k views too!