kis·met
/ˈkizmit,ˈkizˌmet/
noun
destiny; fate.
We were always fated to be in each others lives. It was written in the stars the moment we wrestled on the playground our first day of preschool. But it was easier to love him behind the veil of hatred...
Julia had her first boyfriend. When she had first told me, I didn't believe her, or rather, I didn't want to believe her. She was still my sweet little Julia who liked Nancy Drew books and who practiced braiding fishtail braids, and always needed someone there standing by the door when she took the garbage out at night. Now she was 'In Love'.
I didn't believe the love part for a second. Even I knew that a thirteen year old saying they were in love was just all misguided affection. But she was really into him. He walked her home from school and they stayed out on the front porch for an hour afterward. They didn't even make out, just talked and then when he left he leaned over and gave her an awkward peck on the lips.
She came inside with her cheeks flushed and a goofy smile on her face. "I think I really am in love." She sighed dreamily.
"I'm sure you think that." I smirked, "You're lucky Mom's at work, or you'd have a million questions to answer. But since she's not, here's the only one I'm gonna ask. Was that your first kiss?"
Julia's entire face turned a bright red and she threw herself on the couch. "OhMyGoD!" She cried out into a pillow. "Was it that obvious?" She asked, turning to me, her face still a bright red.
I laughed and shook my head. "No, I mean yeah a little. Don't worry it looked like it was his first kiss too." I assured her. The last thing I wanted to do was make Jules feel self conscious about her first kiss. So what if it was awkward? Who's first kiss wasn't? "Come on, I'll make some sweet tea and we'll sit in the backyard."
"Why?" She asked.
"Because this kind of conversation needs to happen over sweet tea. Now come on, I'll grab the tea bags, and you boil the water."
***
Later on the night, after dinner, we were in our room. I was texting my friends and getting homework done, and Jules was reading a book. I've always personally loved the silence, but to Jules, it was almost as loud as people screaming. When she couldn't take it anymore she threw her book down and sat up in her bed.
"What was your first kiss like?" She asked.
My pencil hovered over the next question and I stiffened. I didn't like to think about my first kiss. It was filled with anger and regret. Instead, I'd like to think that my first kiss was with the second boy who kissed me. It was normal, clumsy, and filled with nervous laughter. That was a nicer story for Jules. I moved next to her on the bed and propped my feet next to hers. She smiled and looked up at me, in anticipation.
"It was with Isaac Perez, some boy I shared a few classes with" I said, remembering how I instantly liked that he wore black nail polish only on his pinky. I don't see what's so appealing about it now, but back then I thought it was hot. "Well we stayed after school once because we were working on a science project together. We played some music, I think it was some old grunge band from the 90's."
"So romantic." Jules rolled her eyes.
"At the time, I thought so." I shrugged. "Then this song, Losing My Religion was playing and I was humming to it when he leaned over and kissed me before I could stop him. It was wet, and messy, and I think I laughed. Anyway it was horrible and awkward." I laughed.
Julia furrowed her brows, confused. "But you didn't regret it?"
"No, never. Because after I stopped laughing and he stopped being embarrassed I kissed him next and it was...amazing." I said remembering the look on Isaac Perez's face when I laid one on him. That kiss was technically my third and was one of my better ones. "So that was my first kiss. It wasn't perfect, but I can look back on it and appreciate it for what it was."
"And what was that?" Jules asked, her face looked so concentrated on me, and I knew that what I said next was important to her. Like it would hold some significance to her.
"Some story I won't be ashamed to tell my little sister when she asks me." I said, nudging her foot with mine. "Now enough about my weird emo kiss. What about you? Did you regret kissing what's-his-name?"
"Brendon." Julia giggled, nudging me back. "I don't think so." She said thoughtfully. "I liked it, but I don't know if I loved it. I don't know if I love him. Is that bad?"
I shook my head. "No, that's not bad Jules." I said, letting her rest her head on my shoulder. "There are people out there who can kiss a hundred different people and still not feel in love. That's not bad, that just means your heart isn't easily fooled."
"So my heart doesn't want me to be in love?" She said as if her heart had betrayed her.
"Not with the wrong person, no. Your heart is the first defense line against heartbreak. I think your heart is holding out for someone real special. Don't worry, you'll know when it's real." I said, getting up to go back to my homework.
"Have you ever been in love?" She asked.
"No." I replied sharply. What I didn't tell Jules was that I had a fool's heart. A heart that was convinced I had been in love, but obviously wasn't.
"Then why does it sound like you know what you're talking about?" She asked curiously.
I thought of our parents and how happy they once looked, and how now the idea of them ever being happy together was laughable. I thought of Delia who lived on the road because her husband couldn't hold a simple job down, and how she had to convince herself it was love that she felt for him and not pity. Or Jaimie and how she loved her husband but if she hadn't gotten pregnant so young she'd still be out there trying to find the moon and the stars with a boy who didn't marry her for the kids.
Then I looked at my little sister who still held hope for the real deal. The stuff you read about in books and see in the movies. A love that knows no bound, a love that is kind, strong, and steady. It was such a croc.
"Because I know what love doesn't look like." I answered honestly.
"One day I hope you know love because you feel it, not because you're scared of it." She said as she settled in her bed, propping her book open again. "You're too young to be a cynic Millie." I laughed and ignored her for the rest of the night as I finished my homework.
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I'm back! Sorry I didn't update the last two weeks. This social distancing is really getting to me, if I'm being completely honest. I took a mental health break from a lot of projects I'm working on and focused on relaxing (which is something I struggle with). I just came back from a long weekend in Abilene and the drive through Texas was wonderfully beautiful and much needed. Now I'm back and ready to share more stories with you ya'll.
I hope you ya'll liked this chapter. It's one of my favorites, because I love the relationship between Amelia and her little sister Julia. I can't wait for you guys to see what they're relationship comes to be in the next chapters.
Well I'm off until next week! I love you guys, and I'll see you next Thursday (forreal this time)
