Unravelling

Chapter 28 - Reflecting

Dinner didn't happen tonight. At least not in its traditional form.

After Alex' announcement, that he was not inclined to talk to us about our father, the family meeting dispersed pretty quickly. There was nothing much left to say.

Wrong. Of course there is still a ton of things to discuss. More than ever before. But I was kind of glad that we all seemed to be in agreement that we were done for now. I felt exhausted and emotionally drained. Witnessing my oldest brothers' pain and sadness and discovering this vulnerable side to them has taken a lot out of me.

It also makes me see them in a different light.

Up until today – even after discovering the things in the attic – I have always believed that we are really lucky and live incredibly peaceful and happy lives. Not even the fact that it is kind of unusual that there are no parents in the picture ever made me wonder if something bad had happened in the past for this to be the case. And since the topic of our parents hardly ever came up, I am not used to having any feelings towards them, positive or negative.

Of course, the thought of my parents dying at some point has fleetingly crossed my mind in the past. After all, there has to be a reason for their absence. But since I have never met them, I could never imagine what losing a mother or father must feel like.

What it must have been like for my brothers.

Now, thinking about it in the quietness of my bedroom, I feel very foolish. I have read plenty of books and watched countless movies where kids as well as grown-ups lost people close to them. Protagonists lost their parents, loved ones or siblings all the time. Grief has obviously been a prominent theme in these books and films. But for some unfathomable reason, I have never considered that something similar might have happened to my family, my siblings. Or that similar emotions could one day arise inside of me.

I am such an ignorant, selfish person.

Finding out about Sienna, on top of everything else, has been even more shocking. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that there is – was – another sibling. And even more importantly: a sister! Knowing now that I could have had what I always secretly wished for is the biggest blow of it all. I honestly don't know how to feel about this.

Is it weird that I wished more for a sister than for parents?

The profound sadness that started to manifest itself deep inside me once Alex' words had sunk in after he revealed Sienna's identity, is a completely unfamiliar feeling for me. It weighs heavily on my heart and sparks a wide array of emotions inside me.

Part of me wants to curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out until there are no more tears left to cry because the thought of having lost a sister hurts so very much. Even if I never met her.

Another part of me feels incredibly angry and frustrated. Angry at the world or fate or whatever else there is to blame for her not being alive anymore, and frustrated because of the way I found out about it.

The final part, probably the biggest of them all, is consumed by pure agony. But not for myself. For my brothers, and mainly for Sean. I cannot even start to imagine what they had to go through when they lost her so suddenly. And how it must be to lose a twin.

A glance at the alarm clock on my bedside table tells me that I have been up in my bedroom for over four hours. It is already 7:30pm.

On a Saturday night, it is rather unusual for me to hide away from my brothers. Normally, the ones who are at home gather in the living room and we either play a game or we watch a film together. Not like our "official" movie or game nights, but really casual. Well, apart from the fights that are almost certain to occur when we play games, since some of my brothers are really sore losers.