Unravelling

Chapter 57 - Understanding

Waking up on this year's Christmas morning is different.

I have been awake for about half an hour, just lying here, absorbing the comfort of being in my own bed, letting my thoughts wander. My eyes are still closed and I am listening to the sounds of the house. The sounds that my family is making. I have no idea what time it is as I could not yet be bothered to check the clock on my bedside table. It could be anywhere between 6am and lunchtime.

I have completely lost any concept of time since I went to bed last night. After the disappointment of my reunion with Josh – if you can even call it that – I only stayed outside for another hour or so after he left. Gracie and her mom were about to leave and I took that opportunity to call it a night as well. I told Alex that I was tired and he luckily didn't question me. He knew very well that I had slept half the afternoon away on the sofa and should not be tired anymore, but either he chose to ignore that fact or he realized that I wasn't really feeling our celebratory bonfire.

Once I was in my room, it took me forever to fall asleep, my mind running at a thousand miles an hour, causing me to toss and turn for what felt like hours. Eventually, exhaustion must have taken over me and I fell into a deep, dreamless sleep, which I woke up from about thirty minutes ago. The fact that nobody has yet come in to drag me out of bed leads me to the conclusion that it must still be early.

Normally, I am the first one up on Christmas morning. Like any kid, the thought of Santa having brought gifts that were just waiting downstairs for us to get our hands on always excited me so much that I instinctively woke up before dawn. I think, the earliest that I have ever tried to force my siblings out of bed in order to open presents was when I was five and I woke them up at 4:30am.

Some of my brothers still find it amusing that I wake them at the crack of dawn every Christmas morning – others, not so much. Noah is a great ally in such situations. It is an unwritten rule that I wake him up first and then the two of us play a few rounds of rock, paper, scissors to figure out who has to go into which bedroom to drag our brothers out of their beds. Having to go into Will's bedroom is considered pulling the short straw, since he generally has no tolerance for anyone waking him up, Christmas or not.

The unmistakable sounds of clattering coming from the kitchen, paired with the odd scraps of a conversation make me wonder if maybe it is not that early in the morning anymore. I have also heard various feet stomping down the stairs. At least some people must be up.

This is new. Because on the odd Christmas mornings when I didn't wake up before 7am, my brothers would still stay in bed until I came to get them. That includes those who are in the habit of always getting up early, no matter what day of the week it is, like Sam and Alex.

Me being in charge of these wake-up calls is another Taylor Tradition, one that I used to cherish very much, because it made me feel special that they would wait for me to come running into their rooms and announce that it is Christmas. It is not very often that I am the one calling the shots, so it is all the more special that I get to be „the boss" at least once a year.

Today, I am just not feeling it, which is probably why I am still in bed, procrastinating.

I wonder if it is part of the infamous growing up process that you start to feel more indifferent towards events like Christmas, which used to excite you so very much when you were a little kid. Or if, in my case, it is due to the current circumstances that don't necessarily call for exuberance. Too much is in disorder at the moment. Trust has been broken, on both sides, and emotions have been running wild.

Also, I really don't fancy celebrating Christmas without Josh here.

That is what hurts the most. If it weren't for his being absent today, I think I would have jumped out of bed ages ago, ready and maybe even a tiny bit excited to tackle the day, despite all the secrets that are clearly overshadowing any family gatherings.