Unravelling

Chapter 31 - Unlikely Ally

It is the Wednesday after a disastrous weekend which put everything into a new perspective that I believed to know about my family.

In hindsight, it was a bit like a mid-sized earthquake. It might not have brought down the whole house, but it surely shook its walls – walls that were previously conceived to be impenetrable and safe – and rattled the structure to the core. Aftershocks are undoubtedly on the horizon, but nobody knows when they will hit.

Also, I still haven't spoken to Sean.

So far, I have successfully avoided speaking to anyone about what happened last Saturday. This was achieved by me hiding away in my bedroom all of Sunday and afterwards steering clear of my brothers whenever possible while at home.

At the moment, my room features at the very top of my list of places to escape to. Most of my brothers leave me in peace, which I am grateful for. They can probably tell from my demeanour that I don't want to talk.

It hasn't even been a conscious decision. After my chats with Jack and Will, followed by the one with the twins, I just felt all talked out and even now, my interest in having more conversations about these confusing revelations is still pretty much zero. The information I have received is plenty to give me food for thought and keep me occupied for days.

Not surprisingly, Jordan is the hardest to evade, despite his staying with Josh. For some reason, he hangs out at our house more than usual and he has even shown up for dinner every night since that dreadful Saturday. Lucky for me, he only pushes me when nobody else is around, so whenever he is here, I tend to be very interested in the twins' company.

Sean called me one more time, on Sunday afternoon. To be fair, I wasn't near my phone when he tried, but I also didn't return it once I noticed the missed call. When he didn't hear from me, he followed it up with a heartfelt text message that told me that he totally understands if I don't want to speak to him and that I should take my time and that he is here for me whenever I am ready.

I cried a bit when I read it and my trembling finger hovered over the call button for over five minutes, on and off. In the end, I just couldn't do it. The feeling that I don't know what to say to him is still all-encompassing and, quite frankly, overwhelming.

Now, I receive a daily message from him, usually in the morning. It is always completely neutral and does never mention "the thing", as I started to call my family's shocking revelations in my mind. Instead, he just wishes me a good day at school, tells me to take care of myself and reminds me that he loves me very much.

Although I feel pretty shitty for ignoring him, I never reply.

Alex has been absent for most of my waking hours that I spend at home. His workload must be gruelling. He only comes home irregularly to catch a couple of hours of sleep and to have as shower. I never see him eat anything, either.

Normally, his behaviour would worry me and I would lecture him to take better care of himself, as I have done on numerous occasions over the years. This is not the first time that his job completely takes over his life. But it is the first time that I am not willing to get involved and make sure that he looks after himself properly.

I guess if I am shitty person for ignoring Sean, I am an even worse sister for not looking after my oldest brother when he is so stressed. It is like I am afraid to be near him, because I fear that it could be very awkward. The knowledge that I have put my brothers through emotional hell because of my curiosity is omnipresent and the bad conscience is slowly eating me up from the inside.

I have seen neither Luke nor Will since Saturday. As it turned out, Luke's gig was not that day but on Sunday. He left early on Sunday morning and hasn't come home yet. Sam claims that he is on a mini-tour, but I suspect that he is just hanging out at one of his band mate's places instead.