Unravelling

Chapter 40 - Resentments

The silence at the table is very awkward.

I am aware that Josh is most likely only teasing me as he must be referring to my incident with Jordan all these weeks ago when he says I was beating up one of my brothers. Apparently, nobody ever told Alex about it. And his asking about it now means that one of the twins is going to tell him. I don't even want to imagine where this conversation is going to go after he finds out what I did and, more importantly, why I did it.

I don't want to revisit that evening – least of all with Alex – because it only brings back a whole lot of unpleasant memories. Thoughts and emotions that I have tried to suppress ever since we came here to this café near the beach where all the chaos slowly began to unravel a few weeks ago.

Suddenly, sitting here with my three oldest brothers feels kind of claustrophobic.

So far, ever since our family meeting, Jordan has been the only one to address the elephant in the room with me and that was when he took me to that new studio of his to let off some steam. But other than apologizing to each other, we didn't really speak about all the confusing things that have been revealed about my family.

I have not desire to change that today.

There is still so much to ask. So much to say. So much to talk about. And I doubt that this is the time and place for it.

"Why don't you tell him, Jordan?" Josh suggests.

I drop my gaze to my lap and start fiddling with my fingers, wondering if I should just excuse myself to go to the toilet or something. This is going to be so embarrassing.

"I would prefer to hear it from the little offender herself, actually," Alex says, sounding stern.

"Leave her alone, Alex. It's not what you think," Jordan chimes in. "I antagonized her until she unleashed some of her anger on me. Nothing happened."

"She beat you up?"

You don't have to sound so incredulous, Alex!

Admittedly, the thought of me pouncing on a 220 pound guy who is mainly made from muscle is probably quite a weird image, I give him that. I shouldn't blame my oldest brother for being confused by this information.

"If you want to call it that then...yeah, I guess," Jordan confirms.

I let out a low growl, not appreciating his putting it like I didn't succeed. Okay, maybe I really didn't, since I am not aware that I actually did any damage to Jordan, but still. It is kind of offensive that he treats my beating like it was nothing to him. My hands sure hurt afterwards.

Alex sighs and I think he is shuffling around in his seat. But because I am still focusing on the hands in my lap, I can only guess that that's the sound I am hearing. Otherwise it is eerily silent again.

"How?" he then asks quietly.

I don't understand where he is going with this question, but apparently, Jordan does.

"I took her to the warehouse to let off some steam after that rather...how shall I put it? That rather intense family meeting of ours. Actually, it was a few days later, once I had realised that there was still a lot of pent up anger inside her and I was looking for a way for her to release it. Call it a form of therapy, if ya like," he elaborates.

I hate it when they speak about me as if I were not even there. I know that I can jump in any time, but I don't feel like it. This is one of the moments in my life where I wish I had the ability to teleport myself far away from where I am.

Again, Alex sighs.

"Lily?"

I feel a hand on my shoulder and I immediately jump back, trying to get out of his reach. I am already starting to get emotional and that is not good. Listening to Jordan talking about our "fight" has transported me straight back to when it happened. The agonizing anger, the disappointment and the fear I felt then are rushing back to me at full speed, flooding my brain with painful thoughts. The last thing I want right now is for someone to touch me, because I fear that I might crumble right in front of them.