Unravelling

Chapter 17 - Taking A Chance

It is 8:15pm and – according to Alex – I should be in bed and asleep. But I cannot get my mind to stop reeling. Whenever I close my eyes, the pictures I looked at in the yearbooks flash before my inner eye.

The pictures with my brothers missing.

Obviously, I am aware that they are not really missing on there, since they were never at that school or part of the football and basketball teams to begin with. But to me, it feels like a fraud that I did not find their familiar, grinning faces on these team photos. Although I had been prepared for what I would find after what Jordan let slip, I am still very disappointed that it didn't turn out to be yet another stupid prank, designed simply to pull my leg. Or a misunderstanding even, for all I care. Because the truth is so much worse. Actually, I cannot stop wondering about why this bothers me so much.

Does it really matter that the guys didn't attend the same school?

Maybe they just went to a different high school in the same city?

I will simply have to ask them tomorrow and they will most likely laugh at me and tell me that this is the case. It will turn out that I have been blowing this way out of proportion. However, a nagging feeling in the very back of my mind tells me that I am clutching at straws and that this is not how it will turn out. Assuming that I dare asking anyone about this in the first place.

Also, who would I even approach?

Normally, Jordan would be my first choice. But since he was the one who basically put this all in motion with his careless remark, I doubt that it would be a good idea to talk to him. Remembering how he acted as soon as he realised what he had just said, I think he will claim that I misunderstood him and that this is not what he meant. I don't know why I think he would do such a thing, but somehow I cannot get rid of the feeling that he never intended to let me know about this, and that he will do whatever is in his power to make me believe that my paranoia is unfounded.

Alex is not an option, either. He generally does not like to talk about the past, as I have figured out on those rare occasions when I brought up the topic of our parents. Also, he does seem to be preoccupied lately, as well as kind of exhausted all the time. There is no way that I am going to add to his stress levels by putting him on the spot with what I have found out.

Maybe I should have asked Josh about this?

I did have the chance on Saturday morning when we were having our chat in his living room. But it didn't even occur to me then. I don't think he would lie to me if I confronted him directly with what I have discovered. It feels like a missed opportunity, and I am kind of beating myself up about it now. Then I remember that, two days ago, I hadn't even consulted the yearbooks yet, so I didn't know half of what I believe to know now.

I guess I could always call Sean and put on some kind of innocent act, telling him about researching the history of our schools soccer team before the try-outs, and finding him in there, but only in the senior year picture. I could make a big joke about his not being good enough to make the team in his previous school years. Something like that. I am sure he would buy it, and, since it would be by phone, I would not even have to look him in the eye while fibbing my way through such a made-up story.

I bury that idea as soon as it has taken proper form, because the last thing on my mind is lying to Sean.

It is bad enough that I already lied to Ben today – twice. I never used to do that before, and I am still surprised by how easy it came to me when I was pressured into it to save my own skin. Instead of devising more plans to use these newly discovered skills, I should rather come up with a way to stop this before I get into the bad habit of using that method all too liberally. I definitely don't want to end up like Will, who is known to bend the truth whenever and however it pleases him, if it means that he can get himself out of trouble, even if only temporary.