What If...

Music

I decided to share some music that are really personal to me because they remind me of some of my relatives that have passed. I even explained some of the reasons why the song reminds me of them. We continued to talk about our favorite artists and songs. Then I started talking about the 1(800) song by Logic and how much it connected to me before and now that I listen to it, I'm proud of how far I've come since then. 

Jax and I talked and talked about more personal things and how he is more vulnerable and open with talking to me now. Also how he's a "new" person, not the same as the person he was before. Well definitely he's not the same as before, but there are still parts of the old him that I can always pinpoint. 

[Next day] 

We've talked to so much that it feels like we've been talking for weeks already, but it's only been a few days. 

All over the news channels are talking about the coronavirus and how it has come to America and that a lot of colleges are starting to go into online classes. My school hasn't started going into online classes yet, but my professors are already talking about it and the possible plans for when we do transfer to online learning. 

At first, I didn't think much of the virus because the previous virus has not caused this much urgency before. But when my professors started talking about it, I started worrying more and panicking a little because my immune system is not that great and I used to get sick pretty easily. 

Jax and I just started talking about how it's going for his work and what my school has told me. 

Lately, I've been thinking about what his plans with talking me actually are. 

Me: I have a quick question, I know it might seem too straight forward, but I'm pretty sure you know why I'm asking this... what do you want from whatever this thing is between us?

Jax: I'll give you a straight forward answer. I was hoping we might be able to have a real relationship and a real connection. That's 100% honesty. But that's all up to tine and you. I will never BS you, if you want a real answer I'll never lie to you.

{Well, you have BSed me before and you HAVE lied to me before, so expect me not to believe EVERYTHING you say when it comes to the possibility of a relationship.} 

Me: I'm just worried about the same thing happening again because I REALLY don't want to get hurt again. I'm sorry that I keep asking these things, I'm just so worried about things never working out because everytime I get hurt, I have to keep stepping up my security & really make sure what the person wants. 

Jax: I'll always tell you the truth I promise. I don't mind I understand completely. I'm glad you ask so I can be honest.

Then, Jax starts talking about how he's thinking about doing relationship things with me. Hmm well, we will see if that actually happens. 

Later on, we video chat for a while and talk more about random things and the past. Because of course! It's me to bring up the past all the time! Ughh I'm so toxic sometimes! But who else is gonna remind him of all the things he did lol

I showed him a scene from one of my favorite Filipino movies My Ex and Why's when Cali has a monologue about what it's like after getting hurt from a breakup and what it was like for her. HAHA the first time I watched the movie I cried because I related to that scene WAY TOO MUCH! And I just wanted to show him how it felt after he hurt me before and how I suffered through it. 

I showed him a lot of my entries that I've typed out from all my feelings that I've felt with the other guy and after what happened with that guy. I even shared with him the two poems and other horrible poems that I wrote. One of them related to the guy because writing is the only good way that I can let out my emotions.