Afterglow (Book Three)

Nine

Demi

"Are we ready to take a look at baby?" I nodded over at Dr James with a small smile. Nick's hand tightened around mine as he leant to press a kiss against my temple.

I'm 12 weeks pregnant. I've been throwing up almost constantly. My headaches haven't yet eased and I'm still struggling to feel anything for this baby. I start the US leg of my tour next week and Peyton is having meltdown after meltdown. So, at the moment, life isn't going my way.

"Yeah, we're ready" the beaming smile on Nick's face only added to my guilt. I lifted my shirt up so Dr James had access to my stomach that has bloated only ever so slightly. There isn't much of a change. I still don't look pregnant. I don't even feel pregnant, if it wasn't for the morning sickness and the headaches, I wouldn't even believe I was pregnant.

"And there's baby" I hoped to feel something when my eyes locked on the monitor but I didn't. Tears welled up in my eyes but they weren't tears of joy or of overwhelming love, they were tears of sadness because I don't feel anything for my baby. I don't feel anything at all. I don't have the same rush of love I had when I saw Peyton on the screen for the first time. "Heart rates perfect. They're the perfect size too" Dr James continued to move the probe around my stomach as he got all the measurements for baby. I kept my eyes away from the monitor, tears pouring down my cheeks at the guilt. Why can't I feel anything for this baby?! "Everything looks perfect" I jumped from my overwhelming thoughts as Dr James' voice cut into the silence. "I'll go and print some copies out" he gave us a smile as he removed the probe from my stomach and passed me some tissues so I could wipe myself off.

"Okay, Demi. You looked totally out of it that whole appointment, you couldn't have looked more uninterested, what's going on?" my chin trembled as I pushed myself to sit. Nick stroked a strand of hair behind my ear. "Baby?" I lightly pushed his hand away.

"I-I don't love this baby, Nick" I didn't dare look up at him as my eyes welled up with tears. "I don't feel anything towards this baby. I wanted to look at that monitor and have the same rush of love I did when it was Peyton, but I didn't and it kills me that I don't love this baby" Nick pressed a kiss to the top of my head as I dropped my head into my hands and sobbed. He wrapped his arms loosely around me and just held me. There wasn't really much else he could do. He can't convince me that everything will be alright. He can't promise me that I will eventually feel love for this baby. He can't do anything but hold me as I break down. "I'm sorry" Nick unwrapped his arms from around me and cupped my face in his hands.

"Yo-You don't have any reason to be sorry, Demi" he couldn't even look me in the eyes and that broke my heart even more. My heart had been ripped out of my chest and stomped on, it's just a crumpled mess on the floor.

"You hate me" a strangled sob slipped out causing my voice to crack halfway through the sentence.

"I-I don't-I don't hate you, Baby" the tears poured down my cheeks. "Demi, I don't hate you. I could never hate you."

"Yes, you do. You hate me because I don't love our baby."

"I don't hate you, Baby, come here" I nuzzled my head into his neck and completely broke down against him. I clutched at his shirt as I almost screamed through my tears. "I don't hate you, Baby. I swear, I could never hate you" his voice shook with his own threat of tears as he every so often pressed a kiss to the exposed skin of my neck. He fell silent after that, he just held me until I calmed down and even though he didn't speak, being in his arms was the comfort that I needed, the comfort that I craved. I pulled myself away from him and sniffled, wiping at my cheeks with the sleeve of my jacket. Thankfully, I wore no makeup today so I didn't have to worry about looking like a panda. "When Dr James gets back we'll mention it, okay? But I don't hate you, Baby, I do-I don't hate you."

"You don't sound very convincing, Nick" I huffed as I turned away from him and slid off the bed.

"I don't hate you, Babe. I could never hate you" I glanced back at him over my shoulder, his sorrow filled eyes locking with mine as he shoved his hands into his pockets.

"I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry that I'm so messed up that I can't feel anything for this baby. I-I don't get how I can love Peyton so much but not feel anything for this baby" I pointed to my stomach as if to make a point.

"I'm sure it'll come, Babe."

"Yeah, but what if it doesn't, Nick? What if I never feel anything for this baby?" heartbreak flashed in Nick's gaze.

"I'm sure you will. You've just got to stop thinking about it, Dems. You're just stressing yourself out."

"I don't need you telling me what's stressing me out, Nicholas, because at this moment in time, you're the one stressing me out" he fell silent after that, he just stared down at the floor. I tried to act natural as Dr James stepped back into the room with an envelope of sonograms and a slip with our next appointment on.

"I'll see you both in a couple weeks" Nick quietly followed me from the doctor's office, remaining quiet all the way home. I felt bad for snapping at him but the guilt I felt for not loving my baby was so much stronger than anything else.

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