Orange

Twenty-Seven

Work provided some temporary distraction from the dull ache in my chest. But there was only so much to be done.

The girls whispered about me as I lumbered past them. I could hear "Rutherford" this and "Rutherford" that, over and over again. There was nothing I wanted to do more than just vanish before their eyes, or at least suddenly lose my hearing. I tried to throw myself head-first into my work, but even that came back to haunt me. I kept see Orion in the eyes of the strangers I slept with.

It wasn't long before I found myself staring up at the ceiling, listening to the sounds of Blaise getting himself cleaned up before he left. The shower running gave me a brief sense of calm, and I couldn't help but imagine myself getting washed away underneath its warmth, disappearing down the drain. But that didn't last very long. Blaise stepped out from the shower, drying himself off and getting his clothes back on. For a minute, he paused, looking down at me.

"What's the matter, Clem? You look a bit down today."

I stayed silent. He finished pulling on his shirt and hoodie and sat down next to me, taking my head and gently resting my cheek against his lap. My hands unconsciously reached for his legs, my body desperate for comfort.

"Is something bothering you?"

I let out a wavery sigh.

"...Orion's gone."

I could have sworn I heard Blaise chuckle.

"Oh, Clem—I'm really sorry. But, if we're being honest here, you should have seen it coming. I warned you about that guy." Blaise's hand ran up and down my bare back. "He was just using you."

Part of me almost believed Blaise's words. But deep in the depths of my chest, a voice rang out.

He's a fucking liar! I heard my own voice in my ears, so strong and powerful that I almost didn't realize that it was my own thoughts. Orion never wanted to hurt me. He just wanted to make me happy.

"I can't believe you just let him abuse you like that, Clem. I saw what he was doing—always buying your time and trying to make you think that he was actually in love with you? Pfft. I could tell he was trouble the moment I met him."

Orion loved me. He genuinely loved me. And I loved him back.

"And to make it worse, he just decides to up and leave, just like that? I would've kicked him to the curb on day one, Clem. But it's alright. He's gone, now."

I still do.

"Didn't I make a promise to you that I would always look out for you? That'd I'd protect you? I never forgot about that. I'm always here for you, Clem, and am always gonna be right here, with you, keeping you standing."

I should be able to stand on my own feet.

"You're so sweet and fragile, like a little porcelain doll for me to love... Don't you worry, Clem—I've got you, now. Don't worry about anything..."

I want to be able to stand on my own two legs.

"...and just let me have all of you..."

I want to be my own person!

I suddenly bolted up, shoving Blaise off the mattress. He landed on the ground with a loud THUD, pushing himself up as he frowned at me.

"Ow, what the fuck, Clem?"

"I'm," I gathered up all the courage I had in my body and stood as tall as I could, "I'm not gonna keep letting you do this. I'm a living, breathing human being who has feelings and emotions, hopes and dreams—and I'm done with you treating me like some little plaything!"

"C-Clemen—"

"You think that just because you've got a girl who's bound to you, you're allowed to groom someone like me for your own sick whims? Those days are over, Blaise. I'm done belonging to other people. I'm done belonging to you."

"Now, Clem, you're overreac—"

"Overreacting?! I'm not overreacting. This is hardly what you can call an 'overreaction' for the bullshit you put me through. You made me think that I'm garbage, that nobody cares about me, and the whole time you did that, you stuffed your fucking dick inside me and called it a reward. All you wanted was to use me. You never even cared about me as a friend, did you? Because I was never a friend in your eyes. I was a little speck of dirt that you thought you were being valiant in protecting. You wanted the rescuer's high of being my prince charming. Well, guess what?"

"...what?"

"Fuck you."

Just as I turned to the door, he grabbed my wrist. For a moment, the world went black. I couldn't process anything. It was as if a chord in my brain was suddenly pulled out, leaving me without any senses.

When the world finally came back into focus, I was sobbing. For some reason, I was sitting on top of Blaise's chest, bruised knees pinning down his arms as I rested all my weight on his body. My fists hurt. I looked at my hands. They were covered in blood and bruises. A wave of confusion settled over me. Slowly, I moved my hands away from my line of sight. A gasp slipped from my mouth.

There Blaise was, beaten to a blood pulp, breathing heavily as he gritted his teeth at me. His eyes were swelling up pretty bad already, and he had scratches all along his neck, cheeks, and arms. Whoever did this must've been desperate, I briefly thought.

Oh, wait a second.

I think I did this.

Oh fuck.

Immediately, I jumped to my feet, taking this golden opportunity to run out the door. I didn't even bother shutting the door. They would find him, eventually, so why bother hiding my dirty work? I ran down the hallway, bursting into the loading room. A few girls tried to come up to me with condescending grins, but I shoved them out of my way. I made my way for the doors.

I just needed to get out of there.

Somehow, I ended up back at my apartment, chest heaving from all the running I had done and clothes covered in speckled stains of blood. I'm sure that I got a few suspicious looks, but I didn't really care. I just pushed myself inside and collapsed onto the floor from exhaustion. It wasn't long before I fell asleep, curled up into a ball there on the floor.