j* movie reviews 2020

Transformers (5): The Last Knight (2017)

This is Cards For Hilarity, Bay-hem style.

I think this was a super-fitting send off for Michael Bay as he says goodbye to this franch. It's like he thought about all the good times Transformers has given him, then gathered the cast and crew and said "I'm going out with a bang!"

And then he, master of Bay-hem, delivered on that promise.

The way I'd suggest thinking about this film is as a great big deck of hilarious character cards, both human and robot. Then you take that deck, and shuffle it with a great big deck of gorgeous visuals, predominantly choreographed madness and a lot of explosions. Then deal these out in hands, pile on whacky dialogue cards for the characters, then thread every card onto a long and tenuous thread of a plot. Pull it tight, so tight, and go hard from A to B burning up a massive budget as you do so. Just like Cards Against Humanity, Transformers can get a bit old, but this one feels like it came with a shiny new expansion pack that brings in some new laughs.

I love a good bit of revisionist history, and this manages to poke fun at several of the most widely repurposed histories. Were there robots at King Arthur's round table? Of course! Did robots kill Hitler? Well der! Has pretty much every war machine ever just been a delightfully helpful robot taking a side? Naturally! Everyone knows history is better with Lara Croft, so lets add a funny English chick in a stripper dress (Haddock). That'll give Marky-Mark (Tarzan in the house!) a nice hair-flicking tension buddy.

I laughed a lot, and never got bored. The start, with the most excellently camped-up Merlin I have ever seen, set the tone and disbelief requirements nicely. Some have been sceptical about Anthony Hopkins being involved, but his character is so delightful you can see why he signed on - plus he gets to act with the UK's most rejected dog. I was also excited that Josh Duhamel is back as the consummate soldier. Probably my only legit criticism (of this as Bayhem) is that they could have used rebel-kid Izabella more - she knows how to bro.

To steal a great summary, "Regardless of our opinions, we all know what a Michael Bay film is. This one's his most Baysome." If you like it when Bay does Bayhem, you'll probably be able to dig it. Circle wide around me as I run through a scene with white sparkling explosion streamers showering me in the cinders of CGI extravagance, because...

J* gives it 3.5 stars.

PS: I saw it in 2D, but the hour long finale looked like it would be spectacular in 3D. All the Ds.

(2017 review)