j* movie reviews 2020

Avengers: Infinity War (2018)

I probably should have just reviewed it before I saw it?

I'm not a fan of superhero films, let alone superhero team up films. This is one of those films where my review obviously isn't going to contribute to some clever dialogue about the Marvel universe. There are no sweeping themes, no unusual techniques; it's just another shake-n-bake superhero film with more salt than normal. So this is kind of a SPOILERY RANT/recount. You have been warned.

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Spoilers ahead, sort of.

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This film is all about PinkChin trying to get the special magic stones for his glove. At first I thought he was a mad jeweller, or maybe meant to be thematically representative some kind of evil mining company, but later it turned out that he's actually just really into sustainability. At that point I really sympathised with PinkChin, and didn't care at all when half the population got turned to dust in the half-in-ation. He's basically Captain Planet, just hyper-aware that the universe is finite and that much of life is living terrible lives struggling with resource access eg) starvation. In fact, if you look at Captain Planet with Don Cheadle, that is exactly who PinkChin is.

Let's face it, the universe does have overpopulation issues, and the overpopulation of superheroes in this particular film was super-concerning. They never show them eating, but surely a lot of them are using a lot more resources than most beings in order to stay so powerful? I say powerful, but despite the fact this film has literally gazillions of different superheroes including some that look like they were invented by the CGI artists and just put in for a laugh, they still couldn't save couldn't save the universe. Not worth the comic book paper they were originally printed on. The ending where half of everyone dies is legit good. Sustainability guru PinkChin 1; Gazillions of superheroes 0.

People suggested this was fast paced, but there are a lot of dreary, dreary scenes that drag on too long. I went out to the toilet when PinkChin was taking GreenBabe to one such dreary planet to get another stone or something, then when I came back in nothing had changed and I had to stand at the back for a really long time because the music told me some nerds would be having an emotional experience watching GreenBabe getting killed (probably) by her PinkChin stepdad. I know all superheroes have their sad tale of motivating woe, but having to deal with a gazillion of these little sad-life snippets was a real downer.

Alternate titles for this film could be Superheroes: The Group Therapy Sessions. They spend a lot of time getting together in little groups and talking about all their sad backstories and how they feel. Having said that, whilst they talk about how they feel, most of them don't seem to have any real connected relationship with anyone else in the film. Another reason why when half of them turned to dust it was hard to feel sad - easy come, easy go.

There were some funny bits. Probably the highlight for me was when Starlord-Chris-Pratt and Thor-Chris-Hemsworth are talking and Pratt is using Thor-son-of-Bogan's voice. That was funny. I also laughed a lot at IronMan who had to keep working with that guy he called The Wizzard - IronMan always says hilarious things. Picking up the pace was Spidey, who also said all the appropriate things like "have you seen this really old film called Aliens?" and "I'm really sorry I can't remember all your names."

And he's right, there were legit too many people to even try to remember all their names. It was a bit like a flashcard test when you haven't studied at all. I was all "who is this red-hands witch?" and then "yellow-rock head, what's his story?" And my partner was all "Yellow-rock head was in the last Avengers." And I was all "Is that the one I hated with all the standing around on rocks?" Why can't I find my review of that? I swear I wrote about all the endless dull standing.

Obviously Groot and the Racoon are in this, and Drax, and all of them are golden. When Groot and Thor and "Rabbit" went off together I thought it might get good, but no, they just went to a giant-dwarf factory planet and got a new axe. I remember being very confused that Captain America had grown a beard, it felt like hipster thing too far. But it was used to highlight the excessive levels of duplication; Marvel men are basically the big brawny blondes or tall dark smart ones - those are the options.

What else do you need to know? The Hulk has rage impotence and is basically missing from the whole film. They go to Wakanda and nothing much happens there, except the smart chick who should be in charge fails to get the rock out of yellow-rock's head. There's like another epic battle, but then PinkChin turns back time and gets the rock and then kills half of everyone. I did like all the long, lingery scenes on multiple heroes where you were kind of waiting in suspense to see who would turn to dust and who wouldn't.

I don't know. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, see all the characters, but only if you must?

J* gives it 2 stars.

3D or not 3D? The 3D Review.

I don't know why, in the world of motion-capture, films can't do 3D really well. The trailer for Antman had stunning 3D! 3D should come at you, you should feel like you have to duck and weave. A:IW does very, very little of that - very low inny-outy scores. It does use heaps of layers, and there's nearly always smoke or steam or cinders of snowflakes layering the depth. But it's not stunning. It's not like Guardians 2.

3D review: 2 stars.

(review republished from 2018)