Mine

23

Just as they thought things were getting better, it has gotten worst. from Lisa slapping Minseok away, to Chaeyoung at this state. Lisa couldn't face her. She couldn't face the girl infront of her who was hysterical because she's hurt. Lisa looked down and never lifted her head to look at Chaeyoung until she stopped crying. "Im sorry." Lisa blurted out as tears fell. she was guilty and she will be as long as Chaeyoung is like this. "Im.. sorry" Lisa tried again and again, all the regrets.. she wanted to say sorry for it. "How can i hate you when you keep saying sorry like that" Chaeyoung asked in her weakened voice. Lisa barely looked up but she did to see Chaeyoung. "i want you to let me hate you" Chaeyoung's tears dropped, she looked at Lisa and she can't believe herself that she cannot take Lisa like that. Lisa hurt her but she is hurting now because Lisa is like that. Lisa looked at her, shaking and crying. what did she do to Chaeyoung? She was different but also the same. It didnt click into Lisa for so long but she realizes it now. She needs to let Chaeyoung, be Chaeyoung. She needs to let her go but she didn't want to. "hate me, Chaeyoung.. please" Chaeyoung cried more at her statement. "I want you to hate me" Lisa said it with false courage although she really wanted to melt right now and disappear for saying that but at the moment, that's what Chaeyoung want. Chaeyoung cried and cried and didnt understand anything or she just didn't want to understand. she still wanted to hold onto Lisa and their broken relationship but she needed to hate her too. She cant understand why she cant hate Lisa at all. It makes her weak and makes her feel pathetic.

As she looks at Lisa, all she think about is what her life would be with her not what life would be without her. Her heart pounds everytime Lisa opens the car door for her, everytime she yells her name to go to work. It was crazy mostly because she was suppose to hate her.

She liked Minseok, honestly. Chaeyoung told him about Lisa and that's why Minseok kissed her unexpectedly to gain Chaeyoung's attention but as the night get deeper, she began to remember she didnt plan to date someone. she came back because she wanted her work and all those things, she came back for Lisa after all. she just wasn't ready enough. Chaeyoung wanted to tell Lisa about that more than anyone. "Im back" "Im here, Lisa" but she stopped herself because it didnt make any sense. She looks at Lisa and everything seemed okay, but its not. She just wanted to hold her so much but she would hurt to herself if she did.

She stood there, staring at the girl but she didnt know what to do. Lisa was breathing heavily as if every breathe she take was connected to Chaeyoung. "Im sorry Chaeyoung" for the nth time and it made Chaeyoung less and less angry. She sighed. Lisa wanted to hold her so much and her body moved accordingly to how she feels. she touches Chaeyoung's arm but as she does, Chaeyoung was slowly loosing herself. It didn't take a minute for Chaeyoung to pull Lisa and hug her. It has been so long to feel Lisa's warmth enveloping her. She cried into the crook of Lisa's neck and let herself settle to the missed feeling of having the girl so close to her, it felt like home more than ever. Lisa patted her back and pulled her closer. a tear left her eye but she tried to be as open and as calm for Chaeyoung because being emotional won't help her and Lisa knows it. She just needed a little help then everything soon will be back on track. She gave Chaeyoung a kiss on her head multiple times for the following minutes.

Chaeyoung didn't feel anything as she sat down in the sofa, Lisa bringing water from the kitchen to her and sitting across of her. How is this feeling so normal? Its like coming back from the past but at the same time continuing what they haven't finish. Chaeyoung think it might be the best just to finish this although it was finish ages ago, it seems like it needed some actual ending. In order for other things to start, you need to end your past. Lisa wondered around in her thoughts. She knew what Chaeyoung was thinking because it was evident and she wanted to agree for her but it will be like neglecting her own feelings. although she knew she have no rights to feel at all, she should be guilty and she shouldn't forget. It makes Lisa crazy because she knows making Chaeyoung stay will only kill her. but what she doesn't know is Chaeyoung was thinking quite the opposite.

Chaeyoung think staying away from Lisa any longer will kill her. Every minute away from her feels like eternity and she doesn't want that feeling again, its like missing someone who is already infront of you. the amount of hate Chaeyoung has for that feeling is undescribable, She'd rather forgive and forget than to sulk and feel those. Its one thing or another. Lisa was about to speak when Chaeyoung cleared her throat and looked at her. "I liked Minseok. I did." She stated as Lisa gazes at her brown eyes, she nodded in reply and couldn't look at Chaeyoung anymore. "Can you just..." Lisa almost whispered. "say you hate me? because in that case i'll be able to accept more" Chaeyoung felt mad for a second of how selfish Lisa is right now. "Do you ever only think about your own feeling?" Lisa didn't understand. she thought she just wanted the best for Chaeyoung and that's why she wanted Chaeyoung to hate her. she looked at the disappointed face of Chaeyoung. "i didnt mean to... make you.. uhm" She didnt exactly knew how to explain so she just find her words and slowly looked down again. "people forgive and forget, you know that right?" Chaeyoung started. "Its just that... you're drowning yourself too much" Lisa finally looked up and her eyes were all set at Chaeyoung. "Not even once you asked me if i forgive you... you are so.. so sorry about everything. you're dwelling on it too much... Lisa... Im Chaeyoung..." Lisa cried this time because she now see. Its Chaeyoung. Its her. "you know i wont forget but i definitely will forgive you..." Chaeyoung cried. "Lisa, Its me" Chaeyoung wanted to call Lisa again. Make her remember its her. She is Chaeyoung and she WAS Chaeyoung.
"Lisa... Its me" her head dropped and started to cry. Its like freeing herself, finally. She was being herself infront of Lisa when she tried so hard to hide for months. "Its me" She stated, again. Lisa held her hand and kisses it, she understood everything now. Chaeyoung is Chaeyoung. Chaeyoung is here and Chaeyoung will stay. Chaeyoung breathed and gave a smile for herself, she achieved what she was trying to forget but forgetting wouldn't happen anytime and resolving it today was her greatest satisfaction.