Not Okay

Haunted

I fix us both some cups of water and wait on the couch with my legs crossed as Luke kindly cleans up my floor. When he finishes he joins me.

"Are you ready?" I ask with a deep sigh. The only response I get is half a smile and a hand on my shaking leg to keep me calm. I take that as a yes though.

"Okay be prepared. I'm going back to when I was 7. My older brother had always been my best friend. He wasn't like most. Shawn was always supportive of me and helped me. I grew up struggling with dyslexia. Now it's a lot better but that's besides the point. Whenever someone picked on me, Shawn would defend me. He would skip his plans to comfort me. Then when I was 7 and he was 12, Shawn left me. Not literally walked away, but he passed away. I was playing outside on the trampoline and a group of teenage boys started to harass me. Shawn came to my rescue, only for one of them to throw a rock and hit him in the head. That very rock killed him. He was so young and he died because of me. My mom left after that. When I was 14 my dad began to abuse me sexually and physically. I finally got away and all of this has been haunting me for the longest time."

Luke had been crying and choking up. He pulled me in so tight and rubbed my back, whispering words of comfort.

"You're so special- in a good way. God I wish there was something I could do."

But the only thing Luke could do was hold me close to him like he has been. I know things can't stay this way, and I'll be back to my bitchy self in no time. The thing is that now I've let someone seen my real emotional side, and being the tough cookie I always seem like will be harder than it ever has been.

~~~~

A few weeks later I am back where I started. Luke calls me everyday to check in and I try to seem less unpleasant over the conversations. I can tell his patience is wearing down though. Part of me feels sorry that he is going through this but then I remind myself that it's his decision to stay with me.

I've still been having nightmares and spending some nights crying and getting wasted.

Maybe it's not so good that there's some guy still in my bed from last night. Maybe it isn't too good that I'm extremely hungover. But it helps me get through the days without thinking of my terribly horrifying past.

I like Luke. I almost pity him for the betrayal. Now he's on a vacation in America with family and has no idea about my bad habits. He shouldn't be put through this. I warned him. I insisted that he forget about me, that he deserved someone better. Because he honestly does.

I guess when he says he will help me, he means it.
I guess he doesn't understand,
That I'm truly not okay.

A/N- I said I would update again! Thanks for reading this! Love u all have a nice day/night wherever u may be!