Guilty » Cashton [BOOK ONE]

I. Failing

A/N: yo, this is what ash looks like! (the pic above) also, i almost had a heart attack. wattpad glitched while i was editing, and messed up the locations of my chapters, yikes!

☂Calum☂

I took in another deep, shaky breath as I stared down at the chemistry test on my desk. I studied until, literally, the crack of dawn, but I was still nervous as shit. I just knew I was going to fail.

The guilt of failing already crossing my mind. I was going to be a failure.

The sound of someone cracking their knuckles caused me to jump; due to the fact that I was already on edge from sleep deprivation. I felt the urge to get up from my desk, located in the far right corner, and go to the windows, on the opposite side of the room, and scream out of them.

Why? Because, I don't know any other way to deal with my "problem."

This "problem" keeps me up at night, and causes me to have these urges. It's hard to explain, because I have no reason behind them myself. This constant anxiety, stress, and guilt, eating away at my mind; causing me to have mental breakdowns on a daily bases.

Guilt, controls my life.

I am unable to escape it's wrath, and it takes it's tight grip on me. It's effects: leading me into the direction of depression, and self pity.

Nobody knows about my "problem," except for my best friend Luke, but even he doesn't know everything. I do applaud him for always answering my 3 a.m phone calls filled with me barely speaking English, due to the panicked state I'm usually in.

I honestly, don't know what I would do without him. I need him, and he needs me. His life isn't all that different from mine, so that's why I think we get along so well.

I remain seated throughout this time. The noises of enthusiastic test takers scribbling away, and the ticking of the clock, which was always 5-minutes slow, filled the room. The noises by themselves were bringing me to the brink of insanity.

Focus, Calum. You studied for this, there is nothing to worry about. I remind myself to relax, but fail after the realization that I haven't even written my name on the test.

I quickly glance up at the clock, and it reads 7:31. Class started 6-minutes ago, at 7:30, but the clock being 5-minutes slow, reading 7:31.

Panic, anxiety, guilt; eating me alive. I grip my pencil, and shakily write down my name, and the date.

As I begin to actually read the first question on the test, the door of the class room swings open. It bumps into the book-shelf, to the right, causing it to lightly shake.

Dammit, I was so close to actually starting. "Sorry, I'm late. I uh, had car trouble this morning," said a deep voice, laced in humor.

I perked up in my seat, and allowed my eyes to wonder up. Ashton Irwin, the boy I sorta-kinda had a crush on since freshman year, stood at my chemistry teachers desk.

He was the most beautiful boy I've ever seen. Yes, it is possible for a boy to be beautiful. He was known for skipping class, smoking, fucking anything that walked, and turning me on. Ha. I'm not joking.

His everyday attire consists of a band t-shirt, ripped skinny jeans, and vans. I usually look up the band on his t-shirt, just incase I ever strike up a conversation with him. Also, not to mention his tattoos. I'd say he has over 20 tattoos littering his arms, and when he wears v-necks, I can see some more on his chest. I'm a nervous wreck as it is, so the chances of me ever speaking to him are little to none.

I slouched into my chair, wishing to become a turtle, so that I could hide in a shell. "Ashton Irwin, this is the 3rd time this week, you are late to my class. Next time, there will be detention. Now pick up your test, and get started," said my chemistry teacher. Who, I think had a weak spot for Ashton, because damn was that boy smart.

He may not look it, but he was a genius. The only reason I know this is, because our quarterly grades are posted on laminated paper in the hallways, and he was always on principles honor role. He should be one of those people I hate, due to his ability to get good grades without trying.

Sadly, my feelings toward him were the opposite of hatred, which I constantly smacked myself over.

Ashton merely chuckled, and picked up the test located on our chemistry teachers desk. Everyone seemed to get back into taking their test, ignoring Ashton's disruption, but I remained frozen in a daze.

He began walking to his seat, which was two desks in front of me. My heart was about to fucking burst, from beating so hard. All of these emotions were striking me at once.

What the hell was wrong with me? I couldn't breathe. Not today, please God, not today.

I had gone 3 weeks without having one, and oh shit. I was about to have a fucking panic attack, in the middle of my chemistry class. My thoughts traveled back to guilt, and failure, worsening my situation.

Then, without thinking clearly, I abruptly got up from my desk. The chair screeched under the amount of force I pushed on it standing up. Everyone stopped working on their tests and stared at me.

I breathlessly strangled out, "I-I can't, I g-gotta." I pushed past Ashton, who was about to sit at his desk, and bolted to the door of the classroom.

Someone shouted "Freak!", causing everyone to laugh.

My face began to heat up with embarrassment as I exited the room. I ran down the hallways with tears brimming in my eyes.

I often had panic attacks freshman, and sophomore year, but I thought things were getting better.

I ran to the only place I found refuge, which was the abandoned garden, located behind the school.

My school tried to show how "green" we were by trying to grow our own garden, but stopped after the realization that our school had no money to fund such an excursion.

I arrived at my sanctuary, and all but collapsed to my knees. I was a shaking mess. My pulse was raging, and my shallow breathing was reluctant in changing back to normal. I sat against a stone bench, and wrapped my arms around my knees, sobbing silently into my arms.

Great job Calum, way to make yourself appear more pathetic than you actually are.

My thoughts lingered to Ashton, whom I pushed out of the way to get out of the classroom. Guilt washed over me. He'll probably never like me now.

My sobs became louder, and I was shaking more violently.

Get a hold of yourself Calum, deep breaths.

A/N: sorry if this was short, i just wanted a short beginning chapter that would help to explain the title, and open up on the characters. other chapters will be longer, thanks!

-serena x