the city // joshler

1

josh's point of view

i pace around my living room, absolutely fucking mind-blown.

grace is tyler's daughter.

how did i not realize? her last name being joseph-whinam shouldve been a clue i guess, but joseph is a fairly common last name, so i overlooked it.

it's been years since i've seen him. i thought i was over this, over him. i just can't deny that seeing him brought every memory back to me. all of my feelings for him made my heart pound and my eyes water in a way that can only mean they were never gone, just pushed back.

he's married. married! he has a fucking child. i shouldn't even be thinking about this. i would never want to be a home-wrecker or the hated step-father.

but there has to be a reason he showed up, right? the universe has to have done this on purpose. maybe it's some sort of cosmic karma getting back at me for something i've done. or maybe it's something less sinister and when i felt that he was the one all those years ago, i was right.

"okay," i speak out loud to myself and take a deep breath. "i'm okay. i got this. everything is fine."

i go into my room and grab a few paints, brushes, and a canvas. i take it to my easel in the living room and set it up.

"hey, alexa, shuffle my music," i call to my echo dot from where it sits on my coffee table as i begin to paint.

"shuffling your music from amazon music."

a song starts to play that almost makes me drop my brush.

"do you still feel younger than you thought you would by now? or darling, have you started feeling old yet? don't worry, i'm sure that you're still breaking hearts with the efficiency that only youth can harness."

love is a laserquest, by arctic monkeys. the song that played the first time i ever painted for tyler.

"you've got to be fucking joking."

i continue painting nonetheless, letting myself get lost in the colors, the sounds, the memories, the things i'm feeling.

about an hour later, i've got a painting of the garden with the farm house tucked in the back. a single window is lit with the shadow of two people hugging inside.

it's a nice painting and i'm actually really happy with the way it turned out, just not so happy with the meaning it holds i guess.

i wish i had someone to complain to, to rant to. i wish i had someone that would understand, but i'm not even out to anyone but my siblings, tannar, and a few of my coworkers. it's more of an unspoken truth to everyone else i guess. i'm not going around telling everyone i'm gay but i won't deny it.

regardless, i haven't talked to tannar since the funeral. i'm not as close with jordan or abigail anymore. i can't bother my coworkers this late. ashley is in an entirely different timezone. it's only a few hours off though and i know if i call her, she'll probably answer. she's pretty much my only option.

it's worth a try at least.

i stop my music and pick up my phone, dialing her number and hoping for the best.

she picks up after four rings. "josh? it's late for you, are you okay?"

"no. yes. kind of. not really," my words are jumbled but i'm sure she understands them.

"calm down, whats going on?" her voice is tired and i think i probably woke her up, but i needed someone, as selfish as that may be.

"do you remember before i started school when i was working on uncle scott's farm?"

"yeah, why?"

"do you remember tyler and how i was completely in love with him?"

"and you went to see him and he had a boyfriend, yes. i know the story."

"i'm his daughter's art teacher. he's married and he came with his husband to parent teacher conferences earlier and i've been up panicking and painting because all i can think about is how my feelings never went away."

"okay, okay. sit down. i know you've been pacing, so sit down. take a breath. it's okay," she begins to speak and i'm already slightly calmer having unloaded my words to someone who understands.

"okay. i'm okay."

"you are. but i'm going to be honest with you about this and you may not like the answer. i don't think you're in love with tyler. i think you just miss that feeling of summer love and being young. you're in love with his memory, not him. even if that wasn't the case, he's married. don't be that guy, josh. i love you, but i don't want you hurt and as a married person, i can't tell you to go for it. i love you though."

"i love you too. you're probably right, i don't know. i'm just being dumb. i'll be okay. thank you." i sigh before telling her goodnight and hanging up.

when i get back into bed, my thoughts return to tyler. the way his face looked on the fourth of july, the nights we spent in the treehouse, our time in the garden.

i feel a tear escape my eye and quickly wipe it away.

i pull out my phone and send a quick text to ashley.

josh: nope. not just the memory.

(an: what do we think so far? any questions? anything anyone wants to share with me? idk im bored and excited sorry!!!)