the city // joshler

9

tyler's point of view

i'm in the kitchen making breakfast for dinner and grace is helping me. she's stirring up pancake batter while i make the scrambled eggs. she's getting so big, it's crazy. when we adopted her, she was so small. i'm so proud of her.

"hello?" she pokes my side. "daddy, i said i finished."

"oh, sorry. good job. i'll pour them." i kiss the top of her head and pour the batter onto the griddle in circles.

"what else can i do?" she asks, rocking back and forth on her heels.

"hmmmm. how about your homework?"

"noooo, dad isn't even home to help me with the math." she pouts. "i meant cooking."

"just go try to do your homework, love. at least start. dad should be home any minute."

she nods and walks away, still a little upset that she has to do it.

as i said though, within a few minutes, mason walks in whistling a song i don't know.

"hello, family," he says, stepping out of his shoes and hanging his coat and bag up on the hook, "how was everyone's day?"

"i helped make the pancakes for dinner!" grace runs from the living room to the front door to jump up and down in front of her dad.

"ohh, i'm sure they'll be delicious, angel." mason picks her up and hugs her tight.

he walks with her in his arms to the kitchen and then puts her down, wrapping his arms around me from behind instead. "hello, love." he kisses the side of my neck a few times, his hands lingering on my hips before he steps away.

when he does step away, i turn to kiss his cheek and then move to flip the pancakes. the eggs are just about done and the bacon has been done for a few minutes.

"dinner's about ready if you both want to wash your hands," i say, offering a small smile to my husband.

i'm still feeling that guilt from almost kissing josh. it's all i can think about most of the time. i miss him. i want to see him, to be with him. i want to kiss him and hug him. i want to feel his lips on my neck like i felt mason's. i've been questioning everything about my relationship with him and i wish there was something i could do to fix it.

i shake my head and then begin to make plates as soon as the food is ready.

once we're all at the table, grace tells us all about her day. she talks pretty much the whole time, which i don't mind. i love hearing her speak, seeing the way her mind works and how her day went.

after dinner, once we get her laying down, mason and i go to clean the kitchen. we finish relatively quickly and then head up to our bedroom.

once we lay down, i pick up my phone to scroll for a bit before actually going to sleep. mason seems to have different plans. he wraps one arm around my waist and begins to place soft kisses on my neck. his hand moves from my waist to my chest and i take it in mine, deciding to stop it from roaming anywhere else.

i want to be able to have sex with him, i want to make love to him like i used to without feeling guilty or comparing him to josh each time i feel him kiss my skin. i close my eyes tightly and take a deep breath.

"you okay?" mason pulls away, his eyes wide, concerned, and full of love.

no.

"i'm okay, just feeling a little off. haven't felt much of myself today," i answer somewhat honestly.

"i'm sorry, baby. i'll stop. come here." he shifts and opens his arms for me to scoot into and holds me, rubbing my back gently. "do you wanna talk about anything?"

yes.

"no, i'm okay. thank you. i love you."

"i love you."

i feel it gnawing in my stomach again. it brings tears to my eyes. i don't want to hurt him, i hate upsetting him. he's such a good father, a good husband, a good friend. he's so good and i don't deserve him. i love him. i just know he loves me much more.

the feelings i had for him are fading. i feel like a broken record, but my whole life feels likes it's crumbling around me and i'm not sure how to fix it.

"goodnight, tyler."

"goodnight, mason."

(an: i live in constant chaos. i hope you are all well.)