the city // joshler

16

tyler's point of view

on my drive home, i break down. i cry, i sob, i scream and curse the world. and when i park in my driveway, i want to do anything but step inside.

mason has started to represent everything i don't want in life. he's started to be the downside to all the what-ifs. he's the face of my regrets, of what could have been, and i resent him for it. i hate that i feel this way, but i can't stand the feeling of content. i don't want okay, i want amazing. i want watching the sunset and eating ice cream for breakfast just because we didn't feel like cooking. i want fun and passion. i want kisses in treehouses and paint stained clothes and dirty aprons covered in who knows what.

i want josh.

when i pull into the driveway, i take a deep breath and brace myself for whatever happens inside.

i walk in to see both grace and mason asleep on the couch, which is much more anti-climatic than whatever i anticipated.

i pick grace up and carry her to her room, laying her gently on her bed and covering her up. she's so beautiful and i love her so much. i really do just want what's best for her. in times like this it's hard to know what that is.

i walk back downstairs and nudge mason a little, trying to wake him up gently. i see his eyes begin to open and i feel the same gnawing in my chest again, the guilt. he doesn't deserve the anger i feel. it's not his fault.

"let's go to bed, baby." i take his hands and help him up, leading him up to our room.

once we get to bed, he rolls over to face me, arm draped lazily across my waist.

"i'm not even that tired anymore," he tells me.

"you were just asleep."

"power nap."

"you dork." i bring one hand up to rest on his cheek. "i love you," i say it to convince myself, to put the words out loud that i'm not sure suit us anymore.

"i love you," he says it back to me, his voice earnest, real. he genuinely loves me.

and that makes me feel worse.

i decide to kiss him, just to see if it feels the same.

and it doesn't.

it's soft and slow and it feels like nothing. there's nothing left of me in this relationship and when he touches me, i know it's the end. i know in my head this is the last time we'll ever be here, doing this, and so i go through with it.

we don't make love this time, we tie up the loose ends and make the end of the story. it's there and it's nice but it's just not enough.

so when he falls asleep, hair slightly damp from a bit of sweat, i lay in my own bed, naked and cold, hot tears streaming down my face silently, and i fall asleep.

-

in the morning, mason leaves early for work. he said he has meetings all day and extra paperwork passed down from a coworker who recently resigned.

grace asks me after breakfast to help her rehearse her few lines for the play, and i agree.

she does great, never missing a cue and reminding me where song breaks go. she sings every word with the cutest smile on her face and in moments like this i think it's all worth it.

my phone rings in the middle of a song, to which grace rolls her eyes.

"who is it?" she puts one hand on her hip, upset that she's been interrupted.