the city // joshler

13

tyler's point of view

sunlight filters through the sheer curtains we picked out together, the fabric staining it my favorite shade of pink as it hits the walls of our bedroom. i turn over and look at the man next to me in bed, just his nose, eyes, and hair poking out of the blankets.

i smile at him and take the risk of waking him up into consideration before running my hand through his hair. he doesn't open his eyes but i feel him move into my touch a little. i run my hand through one more time and he shifts, moving his arm to wrap around me and pull me closer to him.

morning breath and all, this is what i've always wanted. it's not perfect and it's not always easy, but looking at him now i feel like i'm home. it's soft and warm and safe and i never want to leave the bed, to leave his side. i want to stay tucked into my pocket of morning light and wrinkled sheets until the end of time.

he opens his eyes, finally, and looks at me. they're brown like the rich soil that grows the fruits my daughter loves to eat with her pancakes. they're brown like hot chocolate when the sun hitting the snow blinds you and the cold bites your fingertips. they're brown and warm and endless and spectacular and he's using them to look at me, of all things. he marvels at me like a painting in a museum, like i'm special.

how did i get so lucky? what did i do to deserve this?

"good morning, angel," his voice in my ears is comforting, sleep still tugging on the edge of his tone when he speaks, "how did you sleep?"

"better with you next to me." and it's cheesy, but it's true. i feel rested. whole. complete.

"mm. that's good."

before i can reply, the door squeaks open and grace is standing there, her stuffed bunny in one hand and her other hand balled into a fist and rubbing her eyes. her nightgown sparkles in the morning glow, the sequins painting rainbows on the ceiling.

"can i get into bed with you guys?" her voice is small and sleepy, fragile and so sweet. she yawns and begins crawling into bed before either of us can answer, squeezing herself in between us with her bunny hugged to her chest. "i'm not ready to get up yet," she mumbles, already closing her eyes again.

he moves his arm to cover both of us, and i let one of my arms drape over gracie, taking a moment to appreciate this. she's still small now but she won't be for much longer. i look to the love of my life and he's looking down at her smiling like she's the most precious jewel on the face of the earth and this is nirvana. laying with the people who matter most to me on a saturday morning as the sun continues to rise. this is bliss.

and just as i'm about to tell josh that i love him, i wake up.

mason is standing at my bedside, cup of coffee in hand." good morning, ty." he offers me a smile and the mug. "i made you some coffee."

"right, thanks."

my heart clenches like it's gasping for breath when i see him there, hair combed and smile soft as he hands me the coffee, which is made just the way i like it.

it hurts my chest and i feel my nose burn as tears fill my eyes. he's so kind and i love him so much but it's nothing compared to feeling of strawberries blooming under my skin and staining my cheeks red with every kiss on the forehead josh left me. it's nothing compared to the way i felt in that dream, so happy and at peace.

when i look up at mason, i see... content. it's average, it's default, it's settling. it's not what i want.

a tear falls from my eye and drops off of my cheek and into the coffee. mason doesn't notice. he's already left the room. and though i know both he and gracie are downstairs, i feel alone.

god, what am i going to do?

i'm stuck on a loop in my head wondering if i teach my daughter not to settle and to follow her heart and risk her hating me or if i stay-together-for-the-kids and provide as much normalcy as i can. it's weighing very heavily on me and i decide that all there is left to do is ask for help.

so i call my mom.

our relationship has improved drastically as of late and whether it's just because of grace or not i couldn't say, but when i hear mason pull out of the driveway, i dial her number.

she answers on the second ring. "hey, tyler! i was just going to call you!"

"oh." i clear my throat. "well what did you need?"

"ohh, i don't need anything but to see my beautiful granddaughter! i bought her a new outfit and i just know she'll look precious! what did you need, sweet pea?"

"mom, when did you know you wanted to divorce dad?" i blurt out the question and it's silent for a minute before she speaks again.

"when the butterflies he gave me as a teenager became as old as i was and turned to dust," she says. "real love doesn't age like that i don't think."

"fucking christ." i bring my hand that isn't holding my phone up to my forehead.

"language, son. why do ask? are you having problems with mason?"

"i just... i think my butterflies don't fly like they used to, mom. i don't know if i should do something about it though because what if gracie hates me? what if it ruins her life? but if i don't, will that teach her to settle? i never want that for her, i want her to follow her heart and be sure she has everything she wants in life. i just... i don't know what to do."

"well, honey, if you live your life miserably, it will hurt her more to see you unhappy. she'll understand, even if it takes awhile. you do what you feel is right in your heart, okay? and i'll be here for you. i'm also here for gracie with her present, so bring her over."

a small smile pulls itself onto my face. "i'll be there soon."

(an: i love the way the beginning of the chapter turned out and it hurt me so much to write so thats how i know it's a good one 😎 how are you all? if you're part of the lgbtqia+, happy pride month! i'm proud of all of you and i hope you all know you're loved and valid. i'm always here to talk if you need me! i might not see the messages right away but i'll get to them! anyway, i hope you're all well and that you enjoyed the chapter!! all my love as always!)