the city // joshler

10

josh's point of view

i wake up on saturday morning to the sun shining in through my blinds. it's a little past eight and i wish i would've gotten to sleep a bit longer, but i decide to get up anyway.

i don't have any plans other than stopping by the grocery store. i don't have any art to grade. i give all my students a's anyway. it's elementary school art class, i don't think the kids need to stress about grades or whether or not they're talented.

i rub my eyes and grab my phone, choosing to scroll a bit before i get up. i've got a message from tyler.

tyler: coffee? i need to talk to you.

josh: sure, everything okay?

tyler: no. i'll be at your house in half an hour.

i sit up and scramble out of bed as fast as i can. half an hour? that is not nearly enough time.

i practically jog to my shower and hurry through my routine, throwing on jeans and a t-shirt and hoping for the best. when i'm done, i'm left with fifteen minutes to straighten up and start the coffee. however, i don't get much done other than starting laundry and loading the dishwasher before tyler arrives.

he knocks on the door and i open it, a nervous knot in my stomach. what isn't okay? what's so important that he's at my home before ten am?

"hey, tyler." i smile a little, trying not to make obvious how stressed i am at this point. "come on in."

tyler steps in and i close the door behind him.

"good morning, josh." he offers me a smile back but its weak and i can tell he's scared and maybe even sad about whatever this is that he wants to discuss.

"what is it you wanted to talk about?"

"can we sit down first?"

"of couse." i lead him to the couch, a lump in my throat. i sit a few inches away from him, sitting criss cross so i can face him, "what's on your mind?"

"you are, and i can't stop it. i hate myself for it. i feel so guilty. every time my husband kisses me, i feel like i don't deserve it because all i can think about is you. every time he hugs me, i tear up because he's so good and i still can't help thinking about you and i don't even know why," tyler lets everything spill out of him, his eyes watery and his voice frantic.

"tyler." i reach to take his hands in mine but he yanks them away and stands up. "tyler, i-"

"no, see, because i want to hold you hand. i do. i want to hold your hand but i shouldn't. that's exactly my problem."

i stand up and i'm not sure what i should say or what he wants or expects me to. "i don't know what to do here, tyler."

"well, what do you think? about this? about me and us?"

us.

he said us. that means he thinks about us.

before i can overthink anything else, i lean forward and kiss him, my hands on either side of his face.

he kisses me back, lips shaking as he does so. i feel overwhelmed with emotion, fear, joy, confusion. when i feel a tear hit my face i pull away and look at him. he's still the same boy after all this time. his freckles have faded and his eyes are watery but the pink in his cheeks and the soft feeling of his face in my hands has not changed and my heart churns.

"i'm sorry," i immediately apologize and sit back down because, as much as i enjoyed it, tyler has tears falling down his face.

"don't be." tyler shakes his head and moves to sit in my lap, burying his face in my shoulder. i rub his back with one hand, doing my best to soothe him.

"you're okay, ty, i got you. you're gonna be okay."

"i'm not gonna be fucking okay, josh," he pulls away from my shoulder just enough to speak. "i'm so angry with myself. i'm ruining my marriage. this is gonna make grace's life hell. i don't know what to do because i don't think i love him anymore, josh. i'm never going to love anyone more than you."

(an: i know i've mentioned how i put a lot of myself into fb but theres a lot of myself in this story too and i dont give it enough credit. tyler worrying he made the safe choice rather than the one he wanted was something i worried id do for a long time because, not to trauma dump, i have a lot of commitment issues. but now, ive grown so much and im in a happy, healthy relationship and im so thankful. i hope all of you know it does get better.)