Reddie Oneshots

Stupid Deep Pt.6

Eddie hates shopping with Richie, which means, inevitably, that Richie loves shopping with Eddie.

"Richie, oh my god, stop fondling carrots. God, why do I even bring you?"

Richie grins, feeling up another carrot. "I'm just finding the plumpest one."

"That doesn't even make fucking sense, they all taste the same. Carrots aren't even plump."

Richie laughs and says, "Eds, there are children around."

"There's definitely a child around, and his name is Richard Fucking Tozier," Eddie mutters, but he looks around surreptitiously and looks appropriately abashed when he sees a mother with a young daughter by the apple bins.

"Anyway, you bring me along so that I can protect you from the scary people who go grocery shopping at night," Richie says sweetly. "You are small and delicate and I must watch your back for people with concealed weapons or strep throat."

"You're not funny," Eddie says dryly. "The only reason we're shopping this late is because you drank all the soy milk and didn't tell me."

"Eddie, my love, my soulmate. I wanted cereal and the regular milk had gone bad. So what's a man to do?"

"Not be a baby," Eddie mutters. "Go out and buy some milk, maybe?"

Richie shakes his head, grinning. "Are you sure you came here for lactose-free milk alternatives? I thought maybe you just came to hold phallic vegetables."

Eddie glares at him and puts down the eggplant he was examining for spots or whatever the fuck he looks for. "I'm sending you home," he says. "Actually, no, I'm going home, and you can—"

"Edward?"

Eddie's neck snaps around, and his eyes go wide. "Oh, uh. Hi, Wendy."

Richie stares between Eddie and a middle-aged lady pushing a shopping cart up next to the display of butternut squash. Eddie glances at him and shakes his head. Richie smiles.

"Edward! How nice to see you." Wendy smiles brightly, her greying hair a curly mess around warm brown eyes. "Do you live around here, too?"

Eddie licks his lips nervously. Richie settles in to watch, grinning. "Ah. Yeah, I live pretty close by. Just stopping by for some, uh, grocery items—"

Wendy nods understandingly, as if he's making perfect sense. "I never knew we were practically neighbours. How nice!"

Eddie winces and nods very unconvincingly.

Wendy's eyes flick away from him, to Richie. She takes a step closer, and Eddie jolts visibly. "And who is this you're with?"

Eddie clears his throat. He stares at the ceiling. "Uh, Wendy, this is...Richie. Richie, Wendy, from work."

Wendy's entire face brightens like the sun coming out from behind clouds. "Oh, Edward! Is this your husband?"

A bubble of laughter gets caught in Richie's chest at the look of absolute horror on Eddie's face. Eddie shakes his head vigorously, out of Wendy's line of vision. Richie blinks, and then grins, and says absolutely fucking nothing.

Wendy frowns in confusion, and looks to Eddie again. "Edward?"

Eddie's throat bobs, and he looks from Richie to Wendy quickly. His cheeks are flushed. Richie can feel the panic coming off of him in waves. He knows perfectly well that Eddie has two options right now—to embarrass himself in front of a coworker by saying no, and to embarrass himself in front of Richie by lying. And he knows which one Eddie will choose.