Revelations

Dean swallowed down the lump in his throat and stared like a deer in the headlights at Sam. When he felt a sharp kick under the table, he immediately fumbled with the papers in his hands and brought forth the correct page. Then after scanning the words as if he was about to read out his death sentence, the older Winchester decided that he had to do this regardless of how long he decided to stall.

"Cas," he began in a voice that presented him to be quite certain of himself, "I am sorry that I was the one you had to save from hell because over the years I know that I've ruined your life to a point where you can't stand saving me anymore and I—"

"Can I interject?" Cas sounded terribly stunned.

"You can. But...you have to give each other the chance to finish what is being said. Only after he reads out his five points then you can contribute. Go on, Dean," Sam pleaded with a sympathetic look as his brother continued to stare with a gaping mouth at Cas.

For a while, just a while, the tension between them was so thick, you could literally cut through it with a knife. And fearing that this would eventually result in an explosive situation, Sam urged his brother again to continue.

"I'm sorry that I blamed you for all the wrong things that have happened in our lives," Dean croaked, the paper shaking as his hands trembled. "I didn't mean it the way you think I did. I didn't mean that every bad thing that has happened generally is your fault. Cas, I..." he stopped, inhaled and tried to compose himself, "I was talking about my feelings for you. And every single time I feel this way, I blame you because I can't shake you off. At all. How I feel about you reminds me of the possibility that this is part of Chuck's game to manipulate us and maybe what I'm feeling is not real."

Cas gazed at Dean for a long time afterwards, almost as if he was trying to fit everything together. Maybe he had misinterpreted the situation and maybe he had thought about those words a little too long since then. But he looked so deeply into Dean's eyes that Sam began to melt in his chair, evidently convinced that this little exercise was working.

"I'm sorry that I beat you up before when I had the mark of Cain," Dean shrugged. "I know that I told you before that I'm sorry about it, but I just wanted to tell you again because now...when I think about what you are to me, and where I want this to go between us, I don't ever want you to think for a moment, that I would hurt you. Physically. I'm not going to, ever again. And if I ever do, I give you permission to beat the hell out of me until I catch my senses again."

Cas was actually smiling. Something that caught Dean's attention and his lips tugged into a small smile too. "Challenge accepted."

The memories though weren't so painful in regards to that particular fight. It wasn't premeditated at all. What happened was an impulsive need to use his fists on anyone who threatened to dull his glow from the mark of Cain. And back then, all Dean did was beat everything to death. But he couldn't end Cas' life. And that small gesture was significantly treasured by the angel because he was certain at that point about the effect he had on Dean.

"I'm sorry that I try to control and tell you what to do. Like when I made the decision for you to jump into hell with that asshat. If I have to explain why I do that sometimes, is because..." Dean swallowed, trying to decide if what he had written made more sense. Deciding to fly impromptu, he cleared his throat. "Okay, it's like this, Cas. You make me feel so weak knowing that I'm in..." he swallowed hard. "Knowing that I have these feelings for you, it's hard for me to gain control of myself so because you're the one who makes me lose control, I try to take it back. I know it's selfish, it really is. But I do stupid things when I feel like I'm not in control. I don't like to feel weak at all. And you make me feel so unsure of myself, I need to be sure."