Revelations

Trying

Dean flipped on the light inside the kitchen and weakly helped himself to a cup of coffee that was lukewarm. All bets were off on him getting any shut eye, so why not fuel up on caffeine and ride the rest of the night out solo? Wallowing in guilt and shame and being completely and utterly love sick to the point where he literally felt weak in the damn knees now. Wondering if Sam would hand the letter over to Cas. Anticipating their reunion to Dean, was like facing the end of the world entirely frightened but knowing that it wouldn't hurt to die out like a flame.

He was a wreck.

Something went wrong.

Then why does that something always have to be you?

"Oh God," Dean scrambled fistfuls of his disheveled hair and pulled a little, groaning as his chest hurt from so much pain. Of realizing that he shouldn't have said what he did.

He shouldn't have allowed his anger to cloud his judgement and he shouldn't have blamed Cas for any of it. Because he cared for Jack too. He really did. They were beginning to bond. They had kind of a father-son thing going on for a while and it was much more between Cas and Jack. Cas loved Jack like his own son. He remembered finding it painfully funny that in a way, the two of them were like a gay couple parenting a kid.

And when that kid got out of control, like two parents cohabitating, Dean blamed the other parent. Cas. He blamed him for letting Jack get so out of control. For being blind to the obvious when Dean himself had been trapped in the same delusion that Jack was in a controlled state. That Jack was able to stabilize his powers and make things work.

Dean blamed Cas because he blamed himself as well.

He didn't turn his eyes internally to judge himself. Instead, he projected outwards and lashed out. Which pretty much made everything afterwards Cas' fault. Because Rowena's death wasn't anyone's fault. She made the choice to ultimately sacrifice herself. Cas didn't force her hand. So why the hell had he stupidly blamed every damn thing on the one person he simply could not live without? How on earth could he become so damn selfish, so self-conceited and cold?

Swallowing the last bit of coffee, Dean buried his face into folded arms and felt so cold, even his dry sobs couldn't produce any tears. Because he had cried enough. He had died enough. He was still suffering. And the only way out of this fresh hell was to face Cas.

It took Sam two weeks to even consider the possibility of going along with Dean's plan.

Within that time, Sam thoroughly enjoyed himself. He also enjoyed binge watching Lucifer. But then when he realized that his brother was literally going an entire day without eating. And Dean was evidently self-harming with little pricks appearing on his arms from his knife, Sam gave in. Not because he hated that Dean was wallowing in guilt. But he feared the worst for his brother because it appeared that this time, even someone like Dean could be capable of falling into a dangerous pit of depression. And a depressed Dean was frightening.

Dean was capable of many things. He had experienced the worst kind of pain in hell. However, love was apparently killing his brother and Sam wasn't joking about this bit at all. There was only so much you could turn a blind eye on. But when he realized that Dean began to lose weight and really and truly curl up for hours on end crying in his room, Sam gave up all the anger he felt and he pushed his way in like a tropical storm ready to uproot all the pain.

Firstly, he literally stripped Dean's room of all beddings, blankets, pillow cases, clothes, socks, blinds and leftover boxes. And then he dragged Dean into the shower, turned on the hot water and locked him in there for an hour. The groans and painful cries for him to be let out didn't sway Sam. Even as he tossed everything into the washing machine and ran the cycle two times over. Later though, after finding Dean curled up on the bed in the spare room where Cas oftentimes slept, his heart melted. The scene was so soft. So...memorable. He took a photo and sent it to Cas without hesitation.