It Happened: NCIS

Chapter 5

Tony's POV:

I missed seeing her this morning on purpose. The first time I see her I want to be able to sit down with her and have her tell me how she feels. I still have this feeling that I want her to yell at me. I know we're not going to talk now. Ziva told me earlier that she wanted to go to her office by herself. Just by that, I know she doesn't want to talk about him today. I still want to see her though. I owe her that much.

It's been months and I only saw her once and it was after I found out that he is still alive. I forced myself to go to Abby's that day to get it over with. That sounds horrible but that's the truth. I forced myself there to show her that I care, and I did a shit job at it. I thought I would be able to keep a conversation going with her, but I could barely look at her. Knowing what I know I couldn't do it. She always looks beautiful, but I could see the pain her eyes and the way she tried to smile when we were all there.

Even Ziva saw that I was acting out of character and I just shook my head. I think she let it go because his "death" was still fresh, and she was feeling it too.

Melissa was in her pajamas and I didn't think she looked different than any other day. She looked great, but knowing what I knew, I couldn't look at her. I feel like I'm the one hurting her now.

I keep reminding myself it's to keep Tim safe and alive. When we get them, he will be back in her arms and hopefully she'll hit him a few times because it's what I want to do.

I pack up my things and Ziva notices that I'm taking my time. "You're going up to see her?"

I hate that she knows everything. I wish she could read my mind and get the information out of my head so it's technically like I didn't tell anyone, but that isn't going to happen.

"Yeah. How are you doing?"

She sighs and shakes her head. "I'm better than she is. Remember our first day back from that was months ago, this is just her first and it isn't even over yet." She leaves me with that and walks away.

I was hoping for a longer conversation for selfish reasons, but I better get up there now before she leaves.

I race my way up the stairs and turn to make my way to her office. Before I get there, Jack walks out and it feels like my lucky day.

"Hey Jack." I try to say in a whisper, so she doesn't hear me coming.

He smiles at me. "Hey Tony."

"How's she doing?" It's better to know than to go in there and possibly make it worse.

He keeps his smile. "Well, I thought it was going to be a little sad, but it seemed like old times. Maybe it was quieter from time to time, but she seems as normal as she could be."

I pat him on the back. "Thanks man."

I walk past him and stop to take a deep breath before I walk in there. This sucks. Why couldn't they tell somebody else about this secret, that way it would be easier to face her. It wasn't easy to begin with and this just made it ten times harder.

I remember that she's the real one hurting right now and walk into her office.

She's at her desk, packing a few things away quickly. I'm still in the doorway when she looks up and sees me.

I thought I was going to get the cold shoulder, which I deserve, since I barely saw her before this.

Instead, she has the most genuine smile on her face and starts to run over to me. "Tony." She says sweetly and wraps her arms around my neck. I can't help but smile and laugh and hug her back.

"How are you?" She asks as she moves her hands from my neck to my hands.

It feels great to hold her hands except they're cold. They're extremely cold, but she doesn't seem to mind with the way she's smiling.

"I'm fine." And confused. "How are you?"

She shakes her head and shrugs. "As good as I can be on my first day back."

I smile. Jack was right, there's something about her where she seems fine, but we all know something is off.

"I..." I look down and I notice we're still holding hands. I can't hold her hands. Not now. I take them away slowly, not to insult her in any way. I look at her and she doesn't seem to notice. "I just wanted to come up here and not only see how you are, but to apologize."

She waves her hand and shakes her head. "You don't have to apologize for anything."

"I do though." She's knows I do. I just wish she would stop acting like I don't. "I didn't stop by Abby's enough to talk to you and see how you were doing. I'm sorry I was being selfish."

"You were not. I know this was..." She looks at the ground. "I know this was hard on you too. You guys were brothers and I know it's not easy no matter which way you look at it. Besides, I know that you cared and wondered how I was."

This is what I mean. She's focusing on our feelings instead of hers. I wish she would stop. She isn't going to get away with it that easy.

"I'm sorry, Melissa."

"If I accept the apology would it make you feel better?"

More than ever. "Maybe." I tease her.

She laughs. It's great to hear her laugh. I've missed that. "I accept it. Are you leaving too?"

She turns around to get her things together and I notice her nameplate.

Melissa McGee.

I wonder if she looked at that and cried today. I'm not going to ask though.

"Yeah, can I walk you to your car?"

She smiles and chuckles. "Sure."

"Okay." I smile back at her. I don't know why she chuckled, but it was contagious, and I gave her one right back. It's probably because the others offered to walk her everywhere today even though she didn't want it. She accepted my invitation though, so I won't complain.

I walk her to her car and notice she's smiling at everything. She won't look at me though. I want her too, and I don't want her to at the same time. I want her to stare at me, just so she'll smile at me. Then, I don't want her to because I hold a secret that affects her the most.

I look at her and it hurts. She has no idea.

We get to her car, and she opens the door. "Well, thanks-"

"I heard that you're back at the house." I interrupt her.

She stops and shakes her head. "Yup. Last night was my first night back."

That can't be easy, that's a huge house that they bought for them. She must feel alone, but she isn't going to say anything. I'd like to think I know her by now. "You know you can call me anytime. If you need anything, or if you just want to talk." I have word vomit. What the hell is going on with me?

"I appreciate that Tony." She wraps her arms around me, and I do the same to her. I don't know what it is, but I don't want to let her go.

She lets me go and gives me one last smile. "You call me too if you need anything."

I smile and let her get in the car. I close the door behind her and watch her drive off.

I thought seeing her was going to be the most painful thing. I'm finding out now it's watching her leave that hurts more.