"If you love her so much then why don't you fucking go to her?" Bette yelled, as if I was the one in the wrong here.
"I've been holding grudges against you ever since you've started dating Carrie!" She continues.
I was shocked by her words.. If this was the case then why the fuck did I leave Carrie for her?
Bette destroyed everything good in my life and I couldn't help but feel like she only wanted me just so nobody else could.
Sure, I might have lashed out before. But Bette was the one going banana's this time and the things she said, weren't pretty.
"These fights are going to give me a fucking heart attack!" She says while speed walking through the room.
Carrie wasn't here anymore, Bette always made sure to not lose her shit when others were around. No.. The abusive behavior was just for me, when nobody else could see it. The breaking me down and building me up again had often left me confused, but I was so intoxicated by her.
But this time it wasn't just me who got hurt. Carrie got hurt.. The woman who I once promised to be with forever.
Well.. Forever was pretty damn short, wasn't it?
What if I had just loved Carrie the way she deserved to be loved..
If I had just given Carrie a fair chance..
If I had just loved her as much as she loves me..
Maybe I should..
Maybe I should just walk away and never look back.
Be with the woman who actually does love me..
The woman who thinks that I'm good enough.
The accusations and insult just fly by me like a toxic breeze, instead of the toxic ocean that used to drown me.
Each and every time Bette would save me from drowning, only to drown me again.
Was this what I wanted for the rest of my life? Was this what I deserved?
To be hurt by the woman that I love, only to be told that I did this to myself? That the lies, the insults and the abuse were my own fault? I had forgotten about the gaslighting, I was so completely and utterly in love that I had forgotten how much Bette could hurt me.
Maybe people can't change after all, no matter how much we would want to.
"Please Bette, just stop." I softly tell her.
But Bette isn't impressed and continues on her rampage of insults.
What choice do I have?
I walk towards the bedroom and pack a bag.
Bette quickly makes her way to the bedroom and throws my suitcase on the floor, scattering my clothes all over the place. I put my hands in my hair and face the ground.
"Where the fuck are you going?!"
A million things were going through my mind.
A million things things that I wanted to say, but I couldn't bring myself to say them out loud.
So in my mind they stayed. Which made me panic, but I wasn't going to show Bette my weakness. I wasn't going to break down, not again. I'm stronger this time.
If I'm not good enough for her then I never will be.
Bette then leaves the room out of the blue and I pick up all of my scattered clothes from the floor.
I finish packing my bag and I leave the house.
When I walk past Bette, I try be strong.
Don't cry Tina.
Don't.
But when my back faces her, while I continue my way outside of the house. I can't hold it in anymore and tears start running down my cheeks.
I try to wipe away my tears, but they just keep going and going..
Just like I was..
I was going..
Going to the house that I called home after Bette.
The house where Carrie still lived.
Carrie needed me.
And part of me wondered..
If I needed Carrie as much as she needed me.
Maybe being with Bette, was a mistake.
Maybe Carrie was the one that I should have been with..
How could I have been this foolish?
Foolishly in love..
