maybe won't you take it back || b.e. fanfic

chapter three.

ade's pov

tonight was such a blur. i still don't even know what really happened. but all that i know is that carter's not here with me. i refuse to believe he's gone. i can't. i'm sure he's just in another room or something..

a sharp couple of knocks on the door pull me out of my head of bad thoughts.

"uh come in.." i say, a little confused. the nurse told me that my mom had already come in earlier while i was asleep but had to leave so she could go to work for her night shift, so really i have no idea who'd be here to visit me.

"hey.. hi." a soft, but at the same time a bit raspy, familiar voice said as a beautiful blue haired, blue eyed, pretty short girl walked into the room. who is she? i remember her voice from the crash sight, i guess this is what she looks like. and hey, i have no complaints. she really is an angel. i feel like i've seen her before tonight though, maybe i've seen her around LA, but LA is pretty big so that's probably not reasonable. i guess it'll come to mind eventually.

"oh.. hi." i say, almost forming a smile. but it hurts too bad, physically and mentally.

"hey.. do you remember me?" she asks as she sits down next to me on a chair.

"yeah, i do. thank you." i say as i look deep into her eyes, and she looks even deeper into mine and gives me a nod. for a while we just sat there together. it was kinda nice to have her here, even though she's a stranger, well kind of, i needed someone anyways.

"why did you come here..?" i blurt out, sounding a bit rude. i didn't mean to sound rude, i definitely wanted her here.

"oh, right, uh i'm sorry. i just wanted to make sure your alright. i guess i'm gonna go." she says as she gets up quickly and starts walking to the door.

"wait, don't leave." i say as i reach for her but can't reach her. i didn't want to have to loose someone, even if i don't know them yet.

"you want me to stay? you don't even know me." she says as she turns back around to face me.

"i mean, you don't have to of course, but i'd like it if you'd stay.." i say, blushing a little bit.

"yeah, i'd like to stay." she says as she lets a faint smile spread across her lips and takes a seat again. we end up talking for quite a while, but i still can't stop thinking about carter. i miss him.

"what's you name? i don't think we ever introduced ourselves." i ask her, needing to know more about her so i can finally place my finger on where i knew her from.

"my name's billie." she said as she looked around a bit, obviously feeling a bit awkward.

that's it! she's billie eilish!! oh my god, this is crazy! billie fucking eilish saved us from a car crash. when carter finds out about this he's gonna be so stoked to know we're practically friends with billie now.

"oh my god. my friend and i love you. he's obsessed with you." i say as i give her a very small smile.

"but i'm ade by the way." i add.

but when i started talking about carter's love for her, her face turned dark. i've only know billie (personally) for about an hour now, but within this past hour, her eyes lit up, her face and now she carried herself was like all of the colors of the world in one. but when she heard anything about carter, all of her spark was drained from her. it's like someone pulled her plug out of an outlet.

"what's wrong? did i make this awkward..?" i ask, kinda intimidated by her now cold presence.

"uhm ade.. well, see at the crash.. i uh.." she starts. i can see the sweat on her palms and the tension crawling under her skin.

"yes..?" i say lowly, very concerned and confused.

"well, carter didn't make it. the impact was too hard since it was mainly on his side and it killed him. only you survived" she said as i could see her eyes get watery but she pulled away quickly so i wouldn't see cry.

no. this can't be real. wake up ade. wake up. it's a dream. a nightmare. a horrible fucking nightmare. but he can't be gone. i was just with him. we were just in his car. but it wasn't that bad, i mean people get in car accidents all the time and survive. right? if i survived he has to be somewhere. he can't be actually gone.

eventually, my thoughts inside my head turn to out loud thoughts and i break down, sobbing. it hurt, and stung a sharp pain in my ribs and intestines to cry, but i couldn't stop. and even though it hurt, i needed to feel pain. i needed to feel something to tell myself i wasn't in some twisted nightmare, even though i wanted it to be a nightmare so none of this ever happened.

"let it out baby. i've got you. i'll never let go of you." billie says as i feel her arms wrap about my sobbing mess of a body and her words calm me a bit, but not enough.

why did this have to happen. it shouldn't have. it shouldn't have happened.

"why couldn't it be me?!?!" i cry out as i continue to sob into billies arms. she didn't answer, of course, she just held me and soothingly rubbed my back.

suddenly i feel so numb. the physical pain and hurt has been temporary numbed, and all i can feel is a rapid banging in my head and a ringing in my ears, followed by a feeling of complete failure and devastation, and of course doubt.

why wasn't it me that died? it should've been me. i shouldn't have weighted my problems on him and asked him to pick me up. why am i so fucking selfish. i don't understand how i can be such a horrible fucking human being. my bestfriend is dead and it's all my fault. i could've prevented this. but now he's gone and i'm to blame. i'm such a horrible friend.

i wish i was fucking dead right now. god how i would kill to just see him again. to hug him and feel his warm embrace engulf me into a savoring, ever lasting love for me. i loved him much. i always will. we learned together. we grew together. we laughed together. we fought together. we talked together. everything we did, we did together. and now he'll never get that ever again. i'm such a horrible friend.