Just Breathe

Chapter Sixteen Gavin

I took Bailey twice before I pulled out of her, took care of the condom, and crawled back into bed with her. It was when I was reaching for a condom that I remembered that in the shower I didn’t use one. Although I pulled out, I still should have asked her permission to go bare. Once settling her back against my chest, where I played with her hair, I brought it up.

“I didn’t use a condom in the shower, Bailey. I always do, I never go without… But with you, I just lost control with need. I’m sorry, baby.” I whispered against her head and waited for her response.
“I had a full physical done before arriving in Watermount Falls. I’m clean, but I’m not on any birth control.” She snuggled even closer to me.
“Would you consider going on birth control? I won’t lie to you babe, you felt un-fuckin-believable without a condom.” She giggled softly and pressed a kiss to my bare chest. So damn cute, this woman.
“I guess I can work something out. I’m due for my period in the next couple of days, so we should be okay.”

Once that was out of the way, we fell back into a comfortable silence. Our breathing, the only sound in the quiet room. The rain had stopped a while ago, but the wind was still wild out.
I thought of numerous ways of how to tell Bailey about my nightmare, although it seemed there was no good way for it to come out. She deserved to know. I know I scared the shit out of her when I woke up screaming Travis’s name, and then roughly took her to get rid of the images that followed me, even when I was awake. Despite my savage ways, she never asked for me to stop, nor did she ask for an explanation. She just gave me her body, as if she knew that’s what I needed. She deserved better than that.
I held her tighter to me, and kissed her head a few times before taking in a deep breath, letting it go, and throwing myself back into the nightmare that has been a part of me for the past seven months, eight days and ten hours.

“My brother was nineteen when he came to me and told me he would enlisted in the army.” I could feel her body stiffen slightly, so I waited. She kissed my chest once more and relaxed against mine without saying a word. I closed my eyes and held onto her while I revealed the most terrifying experience of my life.
“He didn’t ask for an opinion, he just wanted me to know that in less than two months he would be deployed. He was the type of guy that when he set his mind to something, he stuck to it. He was the one who always encouraged me with my passion for drawing, and then tattooing. He knew my parents would be pissed, my father more than anything, my mother was just worried. Father expected him to follow in his footsteps, since I was, apparently, a lost cause, and tattooing wasn’t something to brag about to his high-end friends. So Travis came to me first with the news. I was terrified for him, of course, he was my baby brother, but I was proud of him, and encouraged him in anything he wanted to pursue.”
“Every Sunday it was a ritual for us to go over to my parents for lunch, mandated by our mom. That Sunday, he told our parents he had enlisted and would leave in six weeks' time. My mother, being the mother hen, was worried about her baby boy. Our father, well, he was outright pissed, and made sure everybody knew he didn’t approve of Travis’ decision.”
“Before we left, our father pulled me aside, and demanded that I change his mind. Being the eldest sibling, it was my responsibility to do so, or so he said. I refused, of course, as it wasn’t either of our decision to make. Before I left that day, my father made it extremely clear that if his boy didn’t return, it would be on my hands, and I could forget about stepping foot in his house again."
Bailey inhales sharply but doesn’t say a word. It’s as if she knows what I’m about to say before the words leave my mouth. She holds me tighter to her and presses a few kisses to my chest, before laying her head back down.
“He managed two tours. The first one was six months and was granted two-weeks leave. On the second tour, he was gone eight months. When he came home to visit, instead of spending time with him and being happy he was home for a short time, our father would fight about his choice, and always blamed me for his decision and how I needed to make it right. Seven months and eight days ago, on a mandatory Sunday lunch, two lieutenants showed up, handed my mother a couple of letters, Travis’ tags, a flag, and their condolences.”
“Mother couldn’t say a word, she was heartbroken at the news of losing her baby boy, and father dearest stayed true to his word. He screamed and dumped all his blame on me and kicked me out.”
“Every night, when I close my eyes, I’m in the middle of a war zone searching for him. I find him up ahead and run as fast as I can to reach him, and when I’m just about a foot from him, he vanishes. Then we’re in a hospital room, and he’s laying there, with all these tubes and doctors trying to save him, but nothing helps. I try to move, to get to him, to save him, but I’m always too fucking late.”
I exhaled and tightened my hold on Bailey, to the point I’m probably hurting her, but she didn’t protest. I just needed her as close as I could get her. I needed to just wash these damn images away. If I could hide in her forever, I would.

I’m expecting her to ask questions, or to try and say some meaningless words that won’t heal anything, and will only infuriate me since I’m so sick of hearing people give me their stupid condolences. But Bailey surprises the fuck out of me and just proves to me why she’s so damn different from any other woman I’ve ever come across.
“From how you’ve described Travis, it doesn’t seem as if he would want you to live your life with the guilt of how he chose to live his.”  She lifts her face towards mine, and I cloud see the few tears she’s shed at hearing my torment. Reaching up to me, she takes my lips in a soul-crushing kiss and then lets me take her again as if she knows that’s what I need to deal with these suffocating moments.