Inciting Incident (Harry Styles)

Chapter 1

I am tired of this place, I hope people change
I need time to replace what I gave away
And my hopes, they are high, I must keep them small
Though I try to resist I still want it all

***

When life feels like it's falling apart or when you feel like nothing is going right and everything you do isn't good enough or perfect enough; your heart is squeezed until you're suffocating and begging for the slightest bit of air and you don't know why. Everytime you breath in it feels like you're poisoning your own lungs and breathing out feels less like a relief and more like a struggle. I don't know what I want to do or where i want to be in the next year, 5 years or even 10 years but all I know is I want to be happy. Happy with who I am and the people around me, have as little toxic energy swarming around me as possible. Which is a lot easier said than done.

I try not to rely on anyone but myself,  to "Treat People With Kindness" and that's what I will follow through with as much as I can and I'm sure I will slip up sometimes, as any human does. And that's ok.

 I need to remind myself of that more.

Find something that you can focus your energy on wholeheartedly, something you can escape to or run to. Even if it takes years to figure out, in the end it will be worth it. Maybe I'll figure my heart out along the way of my story but for now I'm just glad to have someone to vent to. My Best Friend who although has her own struggles, will always put my struggles before her own and me hers. Even if we have never met. 

My pen scrapes at my paper quickly and vigorously trying to make my scraggily hand writing as perfect as hers  while trying to put all my feelings into one letter. It makes me feel better knowing that the one person reading, will always understand me and make me feel worth something when you yourself feel like you're at rock bottom scrambling over sharp edges and rough knives to get back to where you once was.

Dear Gemma,

You know when we used to write in school and we'd moan about homework and exams and we couldn't wait to leave and become 'real adults'? Well, I'd like to have a word with 18 year old us because being an adult sucks. I'd take 100 exams over working another 12 hours shift at the Tipton hell hole.

It has been an absolute hectic few months for me in the city of Truro, so I'm sorry I haven't written much. Being a receptionist really should be given more credit though with the amount of bullshit I deal with on a daily basis. Yesterday a couple complained over a draft in the room even though they left the window wide open, honestly Gem I nearly quit there and then, it makes my faith in humanity drop more than I thought was possible. Although working extra hours means I have officially moved into a flat of my own which is so exciting! Bonus adult points for me, (even though I still hate adulting). You won't believe the last thing. I finally met my biological father which means my family has grown by about 70% which is super weird but a good weird I think. I'll tell you all about that later on.

Me and Cal are still dating, he's so sweet and always comes to see me at work and makes sure I get home ok but I'm beginning to feel a bit suffocated. I don't know if I'm overreacting or maybe I'm just thinking too much into it. Any ideas?

So about my biological father, we got on so well at first, until it was almost Christmas and they were visiting down in Cornwall as they live up in Wales now. They had a 'lovely' family meal with everyone but me and my two older siblings, (different mother). I had to find out on Facebook by another family member, how sad is that. So I decided that if they can't be bothered to let me know they're opposite my flat, I can't be bothered to send them a message wishing him 'Merry Christmas'. But you know what they say when life gives you lemons, make lemonade and I do like lemonade!