Loving Ms. Winters

37: Blair's POV

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~5 Days Later~

We hadn't left Alice's house all week, at my request. I hated feeling this way, I hated the look on Alice's face when I rejected her touch, but I hated the panic attacks most. They had finally stopped two days ago but my anxiety was still at a record high. For years I tried to pass it off as something else, anything other than rape, but now I just felt like an idiot for not realizing sooner. I felt weak and empty, like the mugs I had shattered on the floor days ago. Alice had managed to keep me calm despite my state and I was grateful for her now more than ever. She was so patient with me and hadn't tried to touch me since the incident in the kitchen. There were times where she would accidentally and I would always jerk back defensively but it wasn't because of her. I could vaguely remember our conversation now and I mentally slapped myself for lining myself up for her to ask me that question. It was stupid of me to even bring up sex in the first place since I was in no state to actually fuck her.

Today I woke up feeling different, like it was the first nice day after a long winter. I had gotten up and dressed quiet enough to not wake Alice and snuck to the kitchen to cook us breakfast. She had taken care of me for the past week and I intended on making it up to her.

"Good morning, someone seems like they're in a good mood." Her angelic voice rang out causing me to look up from the pan of eggs and bacon

I smiled at her, admiring her natural beauty even first thing in the morning "Good morning."

"It smells delicious." She grinned as she leaned back against the island keeping a good foot between us

I took a deep breath looking over at her and stepped closer looking over her. When our eyes met I could see the curiosity as I slowly moved my hand to her hip. She remained silent watching me carefully as I slowly ran my hand along her side and to the back of her neck while moving closer.

She smiled softly at me "You know you don't have to do this if you're not ready Blair."

I nodded placing my other hand on her waist "I know but I missed touching you."

"Can I touch you?" She asked, her voice a bare whisper

I nodded slowly and tried not to flinch as her hand rested gently on the side of my head, her thumb gently caressing my cheek.

"Fuck, the food." I stated dumbly as I spun around realizing it was now slightly overdone

I quickly turned the stove off and thanked the universe for the fact that you can't overcook eggs and bacon easily. I grabbed two plates and carefully handed one to Alice with a smile. She took it and we both got ourselves some before settling into the chairs at the island to eat.

"Are you excited for tonight?" Alice asked before taking a bite of her bacon

Did I forget something "What's tonight?"

"New Years." She smiled

I nodded "Oh yeah, right. What did you want to do?"

"Whatever you'd like." She replied before getting up to refill her mug

I thought for a brief moment before speaking "We could go to a party."

She turned giving me a look "Are you sure you want to go to a party?"

I shrugged "Or we could throw a little party."

"Where?" She questioned

"If you don't want it here we can have it at my place." I replied before taking a sip of my coffee

She shook her head before returning to her seat "Why don't we do something just the two of us?"

She was probably right, I only suggested it because I felt bad that she hadn't seen anyone besides me all week.

"Aren't you sick of me by now?" I questioned

She rolled her eyes "I'll never be sick of you Blair."

~Later That Night~

"5... 4... 3... 2... 1... MIDNIGHT!" We yelled together before she pulled me in for a kiss

The electricity between us spread like programmed circuitry that was only compatible between us. We hadn't kissed in a week and I had missed this so much more than I thought.

As we parted her face went pale "I'm so sorry I totally forgot because of..."

I cut her off "Don't apologize, kiss me."

Not needing to hear it twice she reconnected our lips and I tangled my hands in her hair. We kissed for hours until we eventually agreed to go to bed. She still seemed nervous even now, as though I was a ticking time bomb ready to explode at any moment. I couldn't blame her, I can't imagine how hard it's been for her as well.

"Alice." I whispered into the darkness

She rolled onto her side facing me, her weight shifting the mattress ever so slightly "Yes Blair?"

"I'm sorry." I blurted out unsure of what else to say

She paused for a minute "What are you sorry for you didn't do anything wrong."

"Not letting you touch me and being so distant." I mumbled still looking up through the darkness

"Look at me," she said causing me to roll over towards her slightly "do not apologize to me Blair. I would love you even if I could never touch you again. You mean everything to me and I would do anything for you. Please do not blame yourself though Blair, none of this is your fault."

A single tear fell down my cheek as I pulled her into me "I love you Alice."

She cuddled up close, moving carefully as she did "I love you too Blair."

I kissed her hard, unable to control myself any longer as emotions I cannot describe filled me. I hadn't met a single person in my life that could make me feel the way she did, that could care for me and love me the way that she has. Our relationship had been hard from the beginning but being with her itself had always felt easy. I have never been scared of her, she's the most gentle person I have met and I trust her with my life. I hadn't had sex with anyone until I turned sixteen by choice but after I did I lost myself even more. I became someone I hated but now with her, I'm starting to feel like myself again, like Blair.

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