S A R A

Ch 4

4

I woke up in that morning and for a brief moment everything was beautiful. The sun was shining onto my familiar room, and I was serene. Smiling and stretching, then it all came back to me.

I shot up in my bed. Last night. Oh, God. I put my hand up to my forehead and lay back down.

Yesterday just seemed like the most surreal experience, and after a few minutes of contemplating and cringing at the many times in the night that I managed to embarrass myself, one thing remained in my mind. His gaze, the look in his eyes. Though it was only momentarily, it seemed like forever. I could analyze his eyes for an eternity. There and then I wanted more than anything to go back to that moment and pause.

What, what, what got into me last night I wouldn't be able to tell you. I thought I was going to cry again. I wasn't usually like this. Hell, I was pretty unable to talk to boys but when I was motivated, I was motivated!

Last night. About that. It ended with, well I was not a delusional idiot. I knew that what happened yesterday really was a once type opportunity and nothing would come out of it. Did I let him kiss me? No. Did I want him to? Yes. A girl got to have her standards...?

But, clearly, just like how every other potential relationship of mine seemed to turn out, it would be better to forget about it and pretend it never happened. What were the chances of meeting him again anyway?

Him! Whose schedule is filled with shows, recordings, stadiums, fans and no doubt beautiful and experienced women. I mean, I was still a virgin. At every chance I ran from fear. Why?!

There were times when I hungered to live. I felt that we are not aware of youth and when it passes, we all look back in solemn solitude. But not me, I was determined to make it different. But in order for that to happen, I should probably have begun to do things differently as well.

After lying in bed and contemplating when I should get up and face the world, I decided sooner than later. If I kept this to myself, no one else would have to know and it would all just fade away into the sands of time.

Right?

I checked my phone, my brother texted to say he was still sleeping over at his friend's house. Great, so now there was nothing to distract me either. Maybe, I'd write a song. Yes! Writing helps.

I was still in my pj shorts and tank top-no bra. I brushed my teeth, went down to the kitchen and got some orange juice. This could've been a glorious, worry free Saturday morning. Being calm with no boys to worry about was so content, but when I don't have a crush I'm bored. When I do, I'm crazy. Love does that you know; makes you go crazy.

Now I'm not saying that I had a crush on Haden, but come on, it's not like I was unaffected either. Something in my subconscious lit up but I did my best to ignore it.

Instead I took some time to bask in the sunlight pouring through the bay kitchen window. California definitely had its perks and I was definitely a warm-blooded temperature kind of girl.

I sat down on the living room couch, pen and paper in hand. Write it down, get it out. That's the classic routine. So why was it so hard to breathe all of a sudden?

Looking back on last night's events, I wasn't not sure where to begin. How did I feel about this?

Complicated, but mostly confused.

Before I could even really start to untangle my thoughts like Vietnamese noodles at my favorite Asian spot in town, the doorbell rang.

Um, what?

No. No I am in my pajamas. I figured it must be the stuff I ordered from Brandy Melville, and they usually just leave it at the door. I tiptoed my way to the front of the house and bent my head around the corner to check, and before I could register what happened, through the side window, I saw, you guessed it, Haden!