S A R A

Ch 54

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HOW DO WE CLOSE THIS SPACE BETWEEN WHERE WE ARE AND WHERE WE WANNA BE ???

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54

When I got home, I barely remembered taking a shower and just collapsing in bed. I slept for three hours, woke up, ordered a burrito.

When I got out of bed for the first time that day, it felt like I wasn't really in my body. As if my head was in an alternate galaxy and probably a parallel dimension. Which it kind of was, in a way.

I ate the burrito and went back directly into bed, where I spent the majority of the afternoon.

I woke up in the evening, feeling slightly better and more managed to face the world.

I peered at his accounts online to figure out if he was online or dead to the world like I was; which I figured was probably the case.

All I could manage was to crash in front of my TV, vaguely remembering Haden musing last night on how everyone in that room would not be a positive asset to serving society, probably negative. Well, he wasn't wrong.

I re-watched some old block buster movie that vaguely reminded me of home, set in California.

I absentmindedly scrolled through my feeds on my phone only to be reminded that it was indeed NUIT BLANCHE that night. Though the true white night happened last night. I have never stayed up until 8am like that before. It still feels sort of surreal.

This would all mean that there would be a bunch of events all night in the city, and I would probably not have the physical energy to attend them.

My parents facetimed me and I felt like a low-key criminal, withholding all the information of what really happened when they asked me how I was.

It was like, somehow, simultaneously nothing and everything happened in one night.

And then, when the movie ended, my mind went back to him like clockwork.

I managed to force myself to leave the apartment to see the observatory, really close to my apartment. It was incredulously cold outside, and I wondered what he was doing.

Climbing the floors of the observatory in the elevator reminded me involuntarily of his old apartment.

It was almost involuntarily too, that after observing the blinking lights over the city and pretending it was all my penthouse, I clicked send on a message asking him how long he stayed there last night, morning, or whatever. Obviously, knowing and hoping that he would respond in way that would be inviting.

But alas, none of my anxieties were soothed because I ended up going to sleep that night at 11pm with nothing from him. Zip. Zero. Nihl.