S A R A

Ch 15

15

"Shit, babe. What happened?" Dixie and I were sitting across each other at her kitchen tables, on high stools, with a mug of herbal tea in front of me.

This was strange for both of us, I imagined. I felt bad.

I knew Dixie, but not as intimately as to show up at her house in the middle of the night, asking for money no less. So, this wasn't like a sisterly heart-to-heart. It was kind of awkward.

"It's a guy, isn't it?"

I nodded weakly.

"And not just some guy, either." I sigh, still not sure how to explain my situation, feeling embarrassed about it all. "Do you think I didn't guess? I mean it's not hard to come to that conclusion after what happened at Tara's. It's my fault really, if Ben didn't come over and distract me..."

"No," I finally say, finding some strength. "It's nobody's fault but mine." A lesson my parents taught me. Ultimately, everything that happens to you, bad or good, is no one's responsibility but your own.

"Haden, I let him use me. And now I've got nothing left to do?" Saying his name out loud for the first time without him there sounds strange in my mouth...his mouth, I could still taste it. I needed to forget him.

But who else was I going to sing about?

"He isn't the only guy on this earth, you know." Dixie remarked as if reading my mind. "Tell me everything."

So, I did. By the time we were done, it was 3AM and I was turning into an insomniac, but we both deiced to go to sleep.

Dixie let me sleep on her couch, bless her soul. She promised to drive me back home in the morning, and I promised to give her the money back.

***

The next couple of days went by in a blur. I spent my time making playlists, yet I couldn't write any music for some reason. I was so invested, living in my own world that I was having trouble even trying to release what I actually felt.

To be honest, I felt a little too tired to fight. I can't pinpoint the exact moment I decided I would be okay, but I believe that it never truly happened without him.

School was school. Its own uniform society, where invisible and later irrelevant structures ruled the hours of the day between 9 and 3 when we were all forced to be institutionalized. Better than nothing, I guess.

What I wanted to do, truly, was to learn through life. To broaden my horizons and widen my eyes into a world that I always felt was there, but could never really grasp, at least not as of then.

I lit candles and drove to the beach and slowly got over my almost something. As for him, I almost didn't feel the weight of it when I subtracted myself from that equation. Which kind of required a complete aversion from any kind of media communication. But eventually, his tour progressed, he moved on to different cities and I to different mind sets, at least I'd like to have believed so. I couldn't help but replaying the few moments that we did have together. I never knew something could be re-watched as many times as the memories of us in my mind.

Consciously, I believed that I was over it. I felt in control of this, of trying not to cry. Then, subconsciously, I believed that he left a mark that I would never be able to let go of. Subconsciously, I found myself going to all the places that I thought he might appear when in town, not even realizing it until I stepped foot on the Boulevard or Tara's.

I couldn't play. I didn't perform, and nothing seemed to change. I made myself numb, in order to survive. The closest I came to feeling something close to what I was supposed to feel, was when they played his song - inevitable.

In the beginning, I told myself that if he cared for me more really, he would reach out. He would let me know that I was wrong. He would find me, somehow. But as time passed, I learned the hard way that the only person who could save me - was me. I couldn't rely on this.

I've even received some advances from guys at school. It was only after did I realize that's what that was and how I totally blew them off involuntarily. This is how much he scared me into feeling like I needed nothing.

After coming to the realization that it wasn't right, I finally began to play again. And bit by bit, I was piecing together our story, so incomplete and so fragile, yet a story, nevertheless.