Don't Play With Fire

Chapter Nineteen

(Trigger warning, please skip if you have self harm or suicidal tendencies. I love you pretty babies... please please do not read if easily triggered)

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As soon as I got to my house, I saw Cindy sitting on the steps with her head resting on her knees. Well... here goes nothing.

I climbed out of my car and she raised up, smiling sadly. "I just got a very detailed message from Pais.. you okay?" I simply shrugged and unlocked my door before waking in quietly. "Y/n."

"Hm." I mumbled, grabbing a bottle of Jack out of the cupboard before grabbing a cup, only to stare at it. Fuck the cup. I brought the bottle to my lips and I could hear her sigh behind me. "Why are you hear?" Turning around, I watched her silently watch me. "To confront me? Yell at me? Well nothing you say can make me feel.. anything anymore."

I swallowed thickly and waved her off as I walked away with the bottle squeezed between my hand. "So just.. go. Everyone always does anyways."

When I reached my room, I dropped onto the bed and stared out of the window as the waves crashed against the shore. Usually they looked amazing but right now.. I wanted nothing more than to throw myself in without a life jacket.

Taking another swing of the alcohol, I heard the creaking of the floorboards as she slowly entered my room. The bed dipped and I heard her soft voice cut through the silence. "I'm not leaving you, Y/n. When have I ever?"

I silently pulled at the label of the bottle as she slowly slid her arms around me from behind, her head resting on my shoulder. I wasn't sure if it was the alcohol or the previous use of drugs or what but I just spilled everything. "Ever since I was little, I've done everything for my family." She nodded softly. "Even now.. I got an in with Santin and even secured my own shit just so I could keep you guys afloat."

"I know." She whispered, rubbing my shoulders.

"I messed up with Xen yes.. but I bought that house and everyone was kicking me out of it.. I was paying the bills, keeping them safe, risking my life everyday for a cartel month boss. And for what?" I clenched my jaw, my head shaking. "To be thrown out? Even my own brother-"

I stopped speaking as I felt a surge of anger wash over me. "But all of that doesn't even hurt me the most. It's June seeing I wasn't doing this all for her. I was keeping my distance in case I made enemies, you know? In case anyone came after me, they wouldn't go after her. But she won't see that."

"Try telling her, maybe?" I shook my head at Cindy's words.

"She's got her moms spirit. Once she kills someone in her mind, they stay dead. Even if I tried she wouldn't give me so much as a glance.. and I can't deal with that." I felt my eyes moist, tears pooling at my waterline. "I can't live with Juno hating me, everyone else I can stand but not my Juno."

Her arms tightened around me as the first tears dropped down my cheek. "You'll get her back."

Those four words stung my heart more than anything because I knew for sure.. I couldn't. Not in the near future. In her eyes, I abandoned her. Just like her mother did, just like her father did. Three times the charm.. except this one wasn't lucky.

Losing my brother and my daughter in the span of five hours. How was I suppose to just.. look for the light in that? There was no light. Just black rocks and rocky waves.

"Come on, lay down, okay? Relax your mind." I let Cindy slowly push me back onto the bed, her hands reaching for the bottle to sit on the dresser. I let her.

"Cindy?" I questioned softly and she looked at me with a nod. "Can you lay with me for a little?"

Instantly she nodded and kicked off her shoes, crawling into the bed and going to lay her head on the pillow. Before she did, I cupped her face and pressed my lips to hers. "Y/n." She said, quickly pulling back with concern in her eyes. "What are you-"