Vehemence

Epilogue

Spock

Stardate 2259.225, third month and she had finally woken up from the deep coma that she was in.

We were leaving for a three-year mission. Her voice still lingers in my head, the energy, the comfort, the not-so-good ideas, the complaints, the cursing.

And the last thing she ever told me;

"I hate you! I hate everything about you! You're mean, you're annoying, you're insensitive, you're always cold, you don't care about people around you, I hate everything about you! I do! I hate you so much. And I hate it even more that I know I'm lying to myself when I say I don't love what I hate about you."

Sleep eludes me because of it. Overthinking and replaying the whole scenario in my head, thinking how I could have said other words, how I could have changed things, what I could've done instead.

The first thirty days in the Enterprise, I had forgotten how quiet the office was because of just two months with her being in here. The empty desk in front of me everytime I look up brings uneasiness, I never noticed how close the desk actually was, it just felt like it was a safe distance when she was sat there, with her talks, the gossips, the jokes, the endless stories. She never runs out of things to say.

And I just realized how they eased me up when I work; hearing the energy in her voice, combining it with the hand gestures and the expressions.

It had been two and a half years, exactly 912.5 days. I still couldn't forget.

And they said the first thing you forget about someone is the way their voices sounded, it was not true.

It was what I remember best about her.

it was energetic and a bit comforting, albeit it wasn't calm, it was rather loud and pitchy.

Except that day in Z'ochn.

And that day in the ship's lounge room.

Those were the only two days her voice sounded different, it was sad, sincere, and disappointment was rampant.

Her voice only changed when she talked about her feelings — family and when she talked to me.

I've been carrying the same thoughts ever since she snapped at Z'ochn. The same feelings I've denied but trails of it are still in my system, continuously being pushed off.

Never have I felt something with great vehemence.

******

I saw the familiar stance, the brown straight hair, standing not too far from where I was standing. I walked over, "Captain." I called, causing both Jim and... the Lieutenant to turn.

She looked at me, differently.

I just realized now how her pupils would just slightly dilate when she looked at me before, and they sparked energy and enthusiam, much as how her voice did.

But right now, her eyes were just..  plain, blue, and confused.

"Hey, are you okay?"

I was pulled out my of my rummaging thoughts when I heard Jim speak, I looked at him and then at the Lieutenant who, I did not even realize, had a tear fell from her left eye. "What?" She asked, confused, "You're crying." Jim said, pointing at his left eye. She brought her hand up to her cheek and more tears started falling.

"What's wrong? Are you okay?" Jim asked again, his hand was slightly hovering behind her, hesitant about touching her to rub comfort on her back, "Do you need to go to the nurse's office? There's a doctor inside —"

"I'm sorry. I — I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm like this. I —" She kept apologizing, trying to look for something in her coat's pocket. "Here, use mine." Jim said, offering his handkerchief. She looked at it and then reluctantly took it, "I gotta go. I'm sorry." She apologized for the last time, glancing at me for a split second.

That split second did a lot. Caused more tears to fall and brought back memories I thought I was done reminiscing.

Her body seemed to have remembered being around mine, the reaction — from Z'ochn. It was the exact same thing. Crying and confusion. And pain that I never did something about.

"Hey, wait, Lany —" Jim called but she continued on her way, fast-walking into the building as both Jim and I watched her disappear into the crowd.

"Tell the Admiral, I'm going to do something first, I'll follow." Jim said, I pulled his arm to stop him before he could even leave to follow the lieutenant, "Do not. We need to go now. She will be fine. Her body made a reaction she knew nothing about; it might worsen if you show up again." I said, unhanding him

He looked at the ground and then at the building's entrance where she went in, sighing, he tugged his uniform down a bit, "Let's go to the office."