14th May
Dear A***,
probably when you'll have this letter I'll be dead or something.
I miss you. A lot.
I'm afraid but I can do nothing.
I just... I just want to stop, now you know what I meant when I said I was tired, stressed or I "joked" on killing myself.
Probably I did it.
If I didn't do it yet it's because I gave my life another chance.
You were my best friend and I loved you. Not only in the "friends way".
Yeah it's right what you're thinking right now.
I had a crush on you.
Not that type of crush.
You are beautiful, kind, you're smile is contagious and you were my life (I know that this is really too sweet but it's true).
I was thinking of you most of the time.
I think I loved you and sometimes I thought about to kiss you.
Yeah it's true, it's crazy!
But it's the truth.
The truth that you didn't told me.
And that's why you're on these letters.
You are probably the first one reason of why I killed myself.
I was wrong, I had secrets, but you betrayed me.
When I asked you if a could stay you said "always". Do you remember?
Or is blurred?
Blurred as my life.
A long hallway where I walk but I can't see well. I see a door, I open it and I find you.
You.
Why is only you? Why the hell everything brings me back to you?
I couldn't deal with that anymore, but I'm here to face you and not to talk how I'm feeling dead.
I'm here to tell anyone what you did.
We were best friend, I knew all of you and you knew all of me. Most of all, you knew my biggest secret: the tabù about my sexuality.
As you know I didn't want to be identify as a specific one but, for my experience I was nearer to define me as bisexual.
You promised that you weren't going to tell anyone because, as you said when I came out to you, you defined yourself as bisexual too.
Guess what? You told this person, I'm not saying her name but you fucking did.
You trusted her but I didn't because this person bullied me my whole elementary school.
She told everyone.
My dad is quite known here and the "news" came to him.
He's "half homophobic" and his heart broke for no one reason.
I came out to my parents when I didn't wanted to.
I know that's probably my fault because I trusted you but you were my best friend, my sister, I don't even know how define you!
The worst thing, is probably that when you asked me "sorry" you didn't meant to.
And that's not even the bigger fault to give to people.
Because I tried to show you how I was feeling, how my arm was full of little cuts and I was saying I did 'em with paper or for an accident. You believe it.
I said too many times to you that I wanted to stop everything.
You didn't understand.
Everyone didn't understand.
People pay attention only to the things that bother them, they don't see details or if they do they don't give them importance.
I miss you, a lot.
L.
