Behind You (gxg)

F- is for Fear

Some days I wake up and I feel like I can't breathe. It feels like I was beaten in my sleep and my bones were filled with led over night. It's like I've been tied down by cinder blocks and thrown into the ocean and there's no way up.

I hate these days.

Thankfully I'm on the later morning shift at work today, otherwise I would be calling in sick. There was no way I could get out of bed at six in the morning. So I lay there, unsure if my eyes were really closed or just staring into nothing in a dark room.

About twenty minutes later one of my first alarms goes off and I did my best to try and roll onto my right side to shut the damn thing off. Once I rolled over, I could feel the pressure release a bit from the left side of my body. If I kept rolling, I could get into a sitting position and finally get up. It's harder than it sounds, but I did it because I was more aware of the time. Once I sat up and swung my legs over the side of the bed, I sighed so deeply it's almost comical. I uselessly convinced myself to count to ten before I stood up, and then end up counting to ten again. By forty, I'm up.

When I got to the bathroom, I washed my face with cold water and that seemed to help. While brushing my teeth I glanced at the mirror that reflects the clock behind me and felt a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I'm running out of time. I have to be at work at 10am, and the last morning bus comes at 9:30 and is normally early; it's currently 9:01. I managed a groan before spitting out toothpaste saliva. Something inside me told me that I'll be having a tough time choosing what to wear today.

Four outfit changes and half the closet on the floor later, I grabbed a plain piece of bread, and stuffed my wallet and keys into my cargo pant pockets. It's a miracle that I didn't accidently put the bread in my pocket too. It's 9:22.

I bolted out of my apartment and missed the keyhole twice before I properly locked the door and I grabbed the stairs down. Luckily, I'm only on the second floor. I raced out the building main entrance and towards the bus stop which thankfully is just across the street. I got to the bus stop merely 30 seconds before I saw the bus turn the corner at the end of the street and head my way. When the bus stopped in front of me, I got on and fumbled for my wallet, dropping my keys in the process because they were in the same pocket. After another awkward few seconds of showing my bus pass and getting my shit together, I finally made it to a seat and collapsed in anxiety.

Fuck, what a day. And it's not even lunch time.

This happens sometimes. It's called a mixed cocktail of depression and shitty ass bones that like to hurt.

It developed more around puberty, immense growth pains etc., physically and emotionally. I didn't take it too seriously because I thought that everyone went through this stuff. I mean, c'mon, it's puberty, it fucking sucks. At least I didn't get the whole breast growth part, I stayed pretty flat there. 

When I was in high school, I had a real tough time with my emotions. I just felt overwhelmed like all the time. It was exhausting. Then when I found out that a close friend at the time was also going through depression and was self harming, I lost it. Lost the grip on myself that is. Again, majorly overwhelmed. I remember trying to talk to my folks about it, but they just took it for hormones.

And then there's that whole thing about feeling like I'm constantly being followed. That messed me up big time, I always felt like I was being watched and I would get paranoid at times. Every time I would walk to school, I'd get terrified that someone would jump me and drag me into a ditch to do whatever they wanted. I'd play scenarios in my head over and over thinking about if I'd fight back or freeze. I felt like I'd just die. And I couldn't tell anyone because then they'd just invalidate it or worry about me; I was just trying to get by.

Somehow, I survived high school and when I started thinking of what I wanted to do as a career I decided I wanted to work with kids because they seemed less scary, more positive, and just overall fun. I'd always loved being around kids and would volunteer in school cross-grade activities often. They energized me. Slowly I got myself back on track.

But some days were still hard. Some days still ached.

Today was one of those days. 

The first thing that happened when I entered the daycare was that Uri ran up to me and hugged me. Gosh I needed that.

I bent down to hug him back and took a deep breath in. I already felt better. He ended up dragging me to show me his drawing that he had done earlier, and I felt the stress of the morning melt off the longer I hung out with Uri. He seemed quite cheerful and at ease this morning. Dayna, one of the daycare staff, later informed me that he was a menace that morning but calmed down as soon as he saw me walk up the road. I guess we both helped each other out today.

Around naptime as I was doing my rounds, I felt my back pocket vibrate. Reaching to pull out my phone I saw a few missed messages, including one from Lilah. Ignoring Erin's meme dump in my inbox, I opened the chat with Lilah and saw that she had texted me earlier in the morning. I must have been a real wreck if I didn't even notice.

Lilah 🌙: Good morning :) interested in grabbing coffee Thursday afternoon? My ex is taking Uri to a playdate so I'm free...

So, the ex is still somewhat in the picture, I see...

Noa: Hey! Sorry for the late response, I'd love that. I get off of work around 4

I pocketed my phone after replying and settled in between two toddler cots that were having trouble staying asleep. I took a deep breath. I wish I could take a nap too.