Say Goodnight Before You Leave

32. What You Won't Do For Love

Present. Orlando, Florida.

Every day, since we arrived in Florida, has been sunny and I couldn't feel more blessed about it, but the sun was around more often than Mads. The first days he was always at my sight, but as they went by, the less he could be with us, occupied with meetings, interviews, and other shenanigans he had to deal with.

That was great, wonderful. It allowed me to enjoy this, free from the weight of guilt that washed over me every time I looked at him. Just Dallas and me. It was a gift to see him enjoying himself as we went around town, eating more in a day than we would in three, going to Gatorland, on boat rides, fun museums, restaurants with magic shows, mini-golf, aquarium, watching games of American football. Anything his heart desired.

But as marvelous as it all was, at the end of the day in the quiet rides back to the hotel or in the silence of our room, I would catch myself thinking about Mads, missing him. And seeing him, even if for a few minutes at the beginning or end of the day, felt like a relief to my heart, a shy bolt of adrenaline.

Morning. If I don't see you, have a great day. I love u. If anything happens let me know.

Even the simplest text messages made me smile like an idiot. We would always find excuses to exchange them - him kickstarting, me carrying it on. Pictures of birds, Dallas, a great view, a funny moment, other times letting him know where we were headed to - in name of my safety of course, and maybe also in name of hearing his voice on the phone.

Today's my day of deciding where to go and I didn't have any great plans. Half of the morning we spent shopping at an outlet mall - which the luxury of money and hotel delivery allowed me to do even without a car - and now, after lunch, we came to Leu Gardens. At this time of the year, I could see red Powder Puffs, Pink Ball trees, camellias, and orchids.

At the heart of the gardens, I sit on one of the benches circling their small fountain, behind the benches patches of pink and yellow lantanas. Dallas comes calmly to sit beside me, taking his time to observe the surroundings. Karlo might have engraved his hobbies and interests more efficiently in Dallas than I could, but flowers were a thing I didn't have to influence him to appreciate.

"Mom..." He rubs his knees and squints his eyes. "I wanna say I'm sorry for being a dick lately... Oh, pardon my french."

I chuckle. "Forgiven. But why? You've been behaving perfectly lately."

"By lately I mean the past year or so."

I reach for his nape, caressing his hair. "You don't have to apologize."

"I do, you know I do. Dad's been in my mind a lot these days. When I look back at the way I've been acting, I'm sure he would disapprove. I can almost hear his disappointed voice telling me 'I taught you better'," he says furrowing his brow as Karlo would.

I smile. "Yes, he said that a lot."

"Part of me still lives in anger for the secret you kept from me, but the other part is thankful for that because at least I got to live a normal life without the misgivings of it."

"I know it was painful when you found out, and it would be a lie to say that I wasn't thinking about myself and the stress it would cause us because I was, but mostly it was too keep you from the pain, from the overthinking... it would be too much a child to understand. It haunts, it would inevitably haunt you too."

"But what truly doesn't leave my head is my bio father... and before you tell me how much of a low-life he was, I just wanna say that I don't care. I'm crazy to know more about him and I'll find out with or without your help."