Say Goodnight Before You Leave

1. End Of A Life

Between Past and Present.

A relieving breeze blows past me as I walk from the patio to the backyard to sit beside Karlo on our dainty white metal bench, both he and I watch as Dallas and Lucas run across the mud where my garden is still under construction, getting themselves dirty all the way to their little knees. Lucas' skin shines with the sweat and Dallas bicolor eyes are wide as they play, throwing handfuls of dirt at each other, the sun is a welcome treat in the cold week, so I don't mind the mess.

"Say it, Karlo," I say after he puts his arm around me.

"Say what?" He asks, squeezing his eyes as the sunlight hits his face, they appear a calm pale blue, but behind them I know he's juggling with too many thoughts.

I squeeze his knee. "Don't play me. I know that, when you got that look on your face, you're about to tell me something. Something not so pleasant. And you've been having that look on the whole day long."

He laughs. "Thanks for anticipating me. Uhm... I think you should tell him about it."

"Be more specific, K."

He arcs one of his eyebrows. "Don't you know? Really?"

I sigh. "Oh. Okay... I don't think is the right time to do it. Dallas' only five."

I look once again at my son. His straight brown hair was starting to stick to the sweat on his forehead and he has a big smile on. I could see the flash of little teeth in his mouth as he beamed. He runs after Lucas again, even from this far I could spot his blue eyes, just like Lylia's, contrasting sharply against the light brown of his skin.

"It's a perfect time!" He says with enthusiasm. "He's developing, he's inquisitive, he's smart. I don't see why not. It'll be better to do it sooner than later, May."

I get up at once. "No! Actually, I don't want him to know it at all. He got me, he got you. Why bother?! Why is it bothering you now?"

He puffs looking away. "I just think it would be fair to let him know the truth."

I touch our knees and with my fingers brush his blond hair back, soft under my palm. "He'll have it, dear. But not now. Not when we're this happy."

His eyes are at the boys, tired and sad. "I don't want to do this to him, Maysilee."

I crouch in front of him to force him to look at me. "Whatever it happens, because I know something will, I'll take all the blame. You haven't done one thing wrong." I take a deep breath, now avoiding his eyes. "But I did. Many."

---

Present. Berlin, Germany.

The morning was exceptionally sunny, beautiful like no other. June was just beginning along with the scorching summer. Nature was blooming like never before and wild animals were starting to appear every now and then. But it didn't matter if the flowers, the bees, the trees were being reborn if the one I loved the most was not. It's June first and my husband is dead and freshly six feet below the ground.

I'm finally left alone by the others in the burial, in the far back, now watching the quiet crowd in black crying, whispering to each other. I didn't want to wonder who is truly suffering and who isn't, I didn't feel worthy of measuring the pain of others, so I fidget with the diamond on my wedding ring watching as the sun reflected on it. I refuse to take it off.

"Are you the deceased's widow?" A hoarse voice asks waking me from my trance. I nod. Widow still sounds wrongly placed, out of my vocabulary.

The grave keeper unravels his large and dirt-covered fingers and hands me a golden ring.