like honey but poisoned

walls

It was the first night, that I didn't have a single nightmare and I felt somewhat energized to start the day.
The sun peeked through the clouds for the first time after a long time and I wasn't annoyed by it.

After debating what to wear for a while, I chose an emerald dress, that matched my eyes, I didn't know why, but I felt like wearing color today.
While getting dressed, I thought back to yesterday. Lissa and I didn't go skinny dipping, after I had been honest with her, she accepted that I was insecure about being naked. We simply sat by the shore, eating cherries and drinking champagne and I read her some of my poems, that I had written.
When I was with her, I felt completely at ease and everything seemed to make sense and felt right. I was really starting to like her.

As I walked down the hallway, I crossed paths with Malice. She looked up from the laundry, she was carrying.
"Princess, you look so different today. Did you sleep well?"
I smiled.
"Yes, Malice, I did."
She smiled back at me.
"It's nice to see you in such a good mood again."

When I was about to enter the saloon, I could hear Lissa and Vanessa talking to each other. They seemed to be in deep conversation. As curious as I was, I started eavesdropping.

"I'm truly thankful to have you here, Lissa, it seems that you understand Marie better than I ever could, I mean, I know that she's been feeling sad all the time due to the loss of her parents, but she turned so spiteful suddenly, I didn't know how to handle her behaviour anymore," Vanessa said.
"I can imagine what you mean, but it seems, that Marie has developed a depression....you know, de-pression. She has so much pressure on herself, that she bottles up all emotion, she isn't bad, she just doesn't know how to handle emotion, if anything that's just sad."
"See, that's what I meant, you can look through her like no other, you're good for her, Lissa."

I was left speechless at the other side of the door, because I felt exposed and weird. The way both of them talked about me, made me feel like an insect under a microscope.
Sulking, I went into the garden, to be by myself.

After like 20 minutes, I saw Lissa walking towards me. Part of myself was glad, that she'd keep me company, the other part of me just wanted to be left alone.
"You look like a rainy day," she stated.
I neither looked at her nor did I say anything.
"What's on your mind?"
"Am I obligated to tell you, or what?" I snapped at her.
"No, but I can't help you, if you don't."
"What makes you think, that I'd need your help?!" I spat.
"The way you push me away, makes me think that."
Her remark irritated me.
"What do you mean?"
She sighed.
"I noticed that when you're the most vulnerable, you try to push people away, to prevent any more harm."
I looked at her in disbelief.
"Are you a psychology major or what?"
"No, but I am interested in people and why people do certain things."
She breathed out deeply.
"And I am interested in you. More than that, I care about you."
Wide-eyed I stared at her.
"Why do you say that?" I asked.
"Because you need to hear it. Over and over again, until one day you might be able to believe it."
I could only look at her with an open mouth.
Such a behaviour was new to me, I was used to building up walls and people running away from them, I wasn't used to someone trying to climb over the walls.
"I heard you and Vanessa talking about me."
She looked at me with a raised brow.
"Were you eavesdropping on us?"
"I wouldn't put it that way."
"So you were."
I sighed.
"What did you hear?" Lissa asked me.
"You were talking about me being depressed."
"And?"
"What?"
"Well, what's so bad about that?"
"What's so bad about that - honestly? You talked about me like I was a problem and I'm tired of feeling like an issue."
Lissa blew a blonde strand of hair out of her face.
"Is that how you see it?"
When I didn't answer, she continued:
"Look, everyone has problems of some sort, some worse than others, however that's not the point. You have a serious problem, but that doesn't make you one. And you can only understand that, once you see that you're worth that people worry and care about you. And you don't have to feel bad about people worrying about you, because it's not your fault that they do so. Your disease is something you have to deal with on a daily basis, but it's not your fault and it doesn't define you as a person."
Once she said those words it felt like breathing was suddenly way easier, like something had been lifted off of my chest.
"Thanks."
She kneeled down in front of me and tried to take my hand, only to find a devastated white rose in my palm.
"Did you let out your bad mood on the rose?" She asked, amused.
"I don't like white roses," I mumbled.
"What colour do you want them to be?"
"Black."
"Well, why don't you paint them black?"
"That's a crazy thought to have."
"Sometimes crazy and creative are the same thing."