like honey but poisoned

whisky

My ceiling was white, with a golden rose ornament. By now I knew it like the back of my hand and I was sure I could draw it in awful detail onto a white piece of paper, judging by the amount of time I had spent simply staring at it. I listened to "Old Wounds" by Pvris on repeat, a habit I had developed. When I didn't feel well, I hated silence, but I also hated noise, so I kept listening to the same song over and over again, until it became background noise.
It had been hours or maybe just minutes, since I had left Lissa's room and headed straight to my bedroom, I didn't know. I had lost all feeling of time, but sadly not the feeling of existence.
Malice went into my bedroom, it was the third time now that she entered with a tray of food, trying to make me eat something.
I ignored her again.

Some time later 'though my aunt entered.
I tried to ignore her too, but she sat on my bed, right next to me, then she took my mobile away from me.
"Vanessa, just don't-"
"No! Here, drink this!"
She handed me a drink.
"What is this?"
"It's whisky."
I looked at her with a raised brow.
"Don't give me that look, I know this isn't how a normal parent would react, but we also both know that I suck at being a so called "normal parent". Now drink it, I think you need it."
I shrugged my shoulders, Vanessa had a point, so I drank some of the whisky.
"Tell me what's wrong Marie. Malice told me, that Chief Inspector Montgomery was here, what did he say? Is that the reason, why you're upset?"
"Yes and no."
I was unsure, whether I felt like opening up to Vanessa or not.
"Come on, you can tell me, it's no good to carry a heavy burden alone."
That was when everything inside me collapsed, I couldn't hold it in anymore, so I started crying.
Vanessa tried to comfort me, but I tried to push her away, the thing was, that it wasn't easy to push her away, so I gave up after a while and let her hold me.
It felt like hours of her holding me, the fabric on her shoulder was completely soaked by my tears.
"Do you still need a handkerchief or was my dress enough?"
I almost smiled at that even.
"I need a handkerchief."
Vanessa handed me one.
"So, do you think you're ready to talk now?"
Slowly I nodded my head.
I told Vanessa everything. What terrifying news Chief Inspector Montgomery had about my parents' murder, that there was probably a war ahead of us and the most painful part, I told her about Lissa being involved in it.
Vanessa didn't interrupt me once, she just held my hand and listened to me.
And for the first time, I was actually thankful to have her as my aunt.
When I was finished, Vanessa said:
"Oh darling, I'm so sorry about all of this. That's surely too much to process in one day. Next time, when Chief Inspector Montgomery has something to tell us, I insist, that you inform me, so you don't have to go through this alone. I know you like to behave like you're so much older, but you're only 17 for God's sake! Can you promise me that you'll tell me next time?"
I nodded.
"And about Lissa, I'm honestly shocked, if only I had known that, I'm sorry you have to endure such a disappointment. But then again, heartbreak is a part of life. How about you take a lot of time to yourself, forget about everything and just do whatever you feel like. You deserve to be happy, Marie."
I gave her a surprised look.
"How can you be so nice to me? I've only ever been rude to you."
"Because I love you Marie, you're an awful little beast, but you're my awful little beast and I love you."
"I think, despite everything, I love you too, Vanessa. Thanks for being there."
My aunt looked at me in a way, that was like butter melting on a warm toast and part of me already regretted being affectionate, I didn't know how to deal with her reaction.
My aunt ruffled my hair and I frowned at her with distaste.
"What do you wanna do now?" She asked me.
"Dunno, maybe go into the garden for a bit."
"What great idea!" My aunt clapped her hands and I sighed.
"Can you please be a little less enthusiastic?"
Vanessa looked thoughtful for a short moment, then she said:
"Can you please be a little more enthusiastic ?"
A small smile formed on my face.

We were sitting in the garden and I sipped on my ice tea, trying to focus on "Call Me By Your Name", but my thoughts only kept on spinning, so I had to read the same sentence over and over again, until I was so frustrated, that I threw my book away. It landed in the roses. Vanessa was too concentrated on knitting a jumper to notice.
I got up and walked over to the roses to get my book. When I stood right in front of the white roses I had a flashback of a conversation with Lissa.
All logic seemed to leave me, I had only one thought on my mind, I wanted to paint the roses black. I went inside to get some acrylic color and started painting.
Was I going crazy now?