like honey but poisoned

scissors

I watched "Harold & Maude" to mentally prepare myself for the upcoming dates. I was more than frustrated. If only I was as smart as Harold to fake my death in front of my rendezvous several times, then I wouldn't have to deal with guys trying to impress me. But then again, I didn't have any other way out. So I might as well get it over and done with.

Sighing, I opened my walk-in closet to look through my dresses. While doing so I came across a sticky note attached to one of them, it read "wear this one, honey, so you don't look as grumpy as usual". I huffed in annoyance, the dress was an obnoxious yellow colour with a sunflower pattern. I didn't even know I owned something like that. I definitely wasn't going to wear that. It looked like "naive good house wife".

From downstairs I could hear my aunt yelling for me to come down.
Quickly I changed into yet another black dress, 'though this one was at least a bit more formal, it showed that I tried.

Walking downstairs, I could see my aunt greeting a young man with way too much enthusiasm.
"Come in, Adam, I'm glad you could make it, would you like some tea?"
"Oh yes Mrs Rémont, that would be lovely."
"Oh darling, just call me Vanessa."
"Alright, Vanessa."
He smiled at her in a way, that was supposed to be charming, but it didn't reach his eyes and I felt like throwing up already.

Then my aunt noticed me and looked at my dress in a judging manner, but didn't say anything.
"Ah Marie, there you are, come here, quick, quick, I'll leave you and Adam alone then."

I put on a fake smile and walked towards Adam.
Adam bowed in front of me and gave me a hand kiss.
"Marie Adèle Rémont, it is a pleasure to meet you."
I rolled my eyes.
"Oh no, the pleasure is all mine," I really couldn't help the sarcastic undertone laced within my words. So I quickly put on a smile to cover up for it.
Adam simply gave me a slightly sour smile and a confused look.
I saw my aunt walking by, she didn't look pleased with me at all, so I grabbed Adam's hand and motioned for him to come with me outside.
"But, Marie, I was just offered some, tea, can't we at least have some tea before?"
"Didn't you just say what pleasure it is to meet me? I'm sure I'm more important than the tea then."
Adam was slightly startled by my bluntness but quickly nodded and said.
"Uhm, of course you are, mademoiselle, if you wish to go outside, then we shall do so."

Adam and I were sitting in the pavilion and I watched a bird fly by, what would I give to be this bird right now, but my daydreaming was interrupted by Adam's voice.
"May I tell you, that you look wonderful in this dress my lady."
I looked at him with a raised brow.
"Was that supposed to be a question or a statement ?"
"I uhm-"
I cut him off by saying: "That was a rhethorical question actually. Apart from that it's obvious that you think I look like I'm attending a funeral. And the only reason you're being so nice to me is your hunger for power, you want to become king, but actually you can't stand me. Well, let me tell you the disliking is mutual."
First he looked confused, then exposed, then angered.
"Stop it! All of this, honestly! What is wrong with you? This is not the way you should behave, if you're supposed to become queen. This is awful. You're awful!"
I sighed.
"You seriously wanna know what's wrong with me, Adam? Well, you're what's wrong with me right now!"

I had four other dates throughout the day, one worse than the other.
The men I met were so boring, I forgot their names, the moment they had left their tongue, so I gave them numbers.
Number 2 was allergic to practically everything and kept sneezing the whole time, I was honestly disgusted.
Number 3 didn't treat me like a human being, but like a labor machine and kept talking about our lovely future kids until I felt sick.
Number 4 was a real douchebag, his ego was massive and I felt the urge to choke him.
And number 5, the last one, was so shy and intimidated by me that we barely spoke a word and he spilt his tea on me by mistake.
I couldn't stand a single one of them and somehow I had managed to scare them all off, 'though I didn't even try actively, it just happened.

When the whole procedure was done, my aunt couldn't even face me, her lips were a thin line and she looked close to collapsing.
She waved me off and said something about a migraine and that we'd have a serious talk tomorrow.

I felt terrible. I had wanted to try to at least like one of these men, but it was practically impossible. I rushed upstairs, bumping into Malice on my way, but I couldn't talk to her, I just wanted to be left alone.
By the time I reached my room, I collapsed onto my bed and started crying.
Everything was too much for me, my parents death and that I was pressured to become queen, I just couldn't take it.
I didn't want to be royal at all, I wanted to be a no one and to be left alone.
But I was someone.
I once heard the saying, that some people have the chance to choose their life, while others are chosen by life.
It seemed that I was chosen by a life I didn't want to live.

I went over to my dresser and looked at the picture of my parents and me, I was 16 by the time it was taken. We all looked so happy, full of joy, clueless as to what tragedy was about to unfold. I turned the photo upside down, so I didn't have to see it anymore.
Then I sat down in front of the mirror, grabbed a pair of scissors from one of the drawers and started to cut off my black silky hair, that reached my waist by now.
Lissa was probably right, I didn't give off the impression of being a princess, how could I, if I didn't even want to be one. A princess was supposed to be sweet, kind and charming, and I - I was nothing like that.
So if I didn't feel like a princess, I might as well change my exterior to match my feelings.
I was sobbing and my hands were shaking, but seeing my black strands of hair fall to the floor gave me a weird feeling of satisfaction, I felt relieved.