everything i wanted ; Billie eilish

30

"Morning baby" Billie says yawning and rubbing her eyes. I groan and turn away from her, not wanting to wake up yet. She moves herself closer to be wrapping her arm around my waist and putting her head on my shoulder.

"What time is it" I ask, stretching my arms, careful I don't hit Billie.

"11" she replies, her mom usually would of woken us up, so i'm guessing they slept in too.

Shark comes running in the room and jumps on the bed, licking mine and Billie's faces dramatically. I hide my head under the pillow, slightly more awake now than I was before. Bil leaves the bed and stands at the side looking at me hiding under her pillow.

"come on don't make me do this alone" she says. I groan and crawl lazily out of the bed, bringing myself to my feet. Billie laughs and shakes her head at my laziness.

"Stop laughing at me I have no energy" I say, putting my forehead on her shoulder. She wraps her arms around me, holding onto me tightly.

"Come on mama let's get you some food" Billie says, letting go and holding onto my hand instead. She leads me into the kitchen, where Maggie and Patrick are sat, looking as tired as me. They work hard for everyone they deserve a break.

"Mom why do you look hung over" Billie asks, whilst getting 2 plates and putting pancakes on them along with some fruit. She makes some water with ice and places it all down at the table.

"Because I am hung over, they had some strong wine last night" She replies, rubbing her head. I take a seat down at the table next to Patrick, with Billie opposite me next to her mom. Thankfully, the pancakes got my energy back up so I feel myself again. I sip the water and finish off the remaining food on my plate.

I take it back to the kitchen and wash it.

"You didn't have to do that hunny" Maggie says and I smile. "don't worry, it's the least I can do" I reply and sit back down. Billie smiles at me and I smile back. Her parents go back into the living room, leaving me and billie alone again.

"I probably best get going" I tell her and sticks out her bottom lip playfully.

"no don't leave me" Billie says, begging.

"I need too, i need my clothes and a shower and everything" I tell her and she shakes her head.

"But I need you" she replies smiling.

"Billie your a strong independent woman, who don't need anyone else in their life" I joke, she laughs and punches my arm softly.

"Weirdo" she laughs.

She gazes at me for a while smiling widely. I really want to know what's going through her head. I truly don't understand why she tells me she loves me everyday, but doesn't do anything about it. She doesn't talk about it, she doesn't ask me to be hers, but claims she wants me. I don't want to be messed around again or for her too pull the management card. She dated Isaac so why not me. I understand she only just broke up with him, but still non of it makes sense.

I love Billie, every time I see her i become so fucking nervous and shy it's ridiculous. She makes me feel safe whenever i'm with her and brings out a happiness in me that I haven't seen for a long time. I just want her honesty, but I don't know how to talk about it with her.

"Come on then, I'll give you a ride back" she says, interrupting my thoughts. I look up seeing her stood beside me, holding out her hand. Smiling lightly, I take it inside my own and follow her outside.

We pile into her matte black car and I lean my head against the window as she starts driving.

"Lex, your quiet. What's wrong?" She asks, noticing I haven't said a word in a while. I play with my hands anxiously, not knowing how i'm supposed to start this conversation.

"Billie, what is going on with us? why do you constantly tell me you want me and you love me but you never do anything about it" I ask, turning my head to look at her as she drives. She lets out a sigh and pulls into Finneas's driveway, parking her car.

She turns her body so shes facing me now.

"I do want to be with you Lex, i've never loved anyone as much as I love you. But I don't want to risk anything, with management, with hate and everything. I know I dated Isaac and it was pretty obvious, but that was different. First of all I didn't care about him, and also nobody knows I like girls, not my team, no one except my family. My management have said previously that any dramatic things that happen, like me being gay would really effect everything" Billie replies to me. That was not what I wanted to hear at all. I feel myself starting to tear up, i'm fucking heartbroken. I don't want to start crying here.

"We just shouldn't be together billie, your right it wouldn't work" I say, quickly getting out of the car. She shouts after me but I ignore her completely.

I enter the house, the tears now streaming down my face. I rush past Finneas and Claudia who send me questioning looks, and head to the room i'm staying in. I sit on the middle of the bed and bring my knees to my chest and let the emotions fully take over me. That hurt like a bitch.

Claudia enters the room and sits beside me, pulling me into her. I'm pretty sure I can hear Finneas talking to Billie downstairs.

"What happened babe" Claudia asks softly. I wipe my tears and try to calm myself down slightly.

"She basically told me that she has never loved anyone as much as she loves me, but we can't be together" I explain between sniffles. Finneas enters the room, sitting at the opposite side of me, rubbing my back with his hand.

I'm mad at Billie right now, but I do know she is hurting too and I hope she is ok. Why did she make me get into this again. Knowing herself it cant happen. It just sucks.