Feeling bad' was an understatement. Cameron had realized that he'd messed up, and apologized, and I said it was okay, but it wasn't. The kiss itself wasn't the problem – even Gerard probably knew that it was inevitable. The problem was how much I genuinely wanted it. There wasn't a single strand of resistance in my whole body. Hell, I'd have kept on kissing him if he hadn't pulled away and apologized. Jesus, I was such a fucking mess.
Once he'd left, I asked my Mom if I could stay at 'his' house, and she agreed happily. I'd meant to call Gerard and tell him the good news, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. The way I saw it, I had two options: I could tell him and break his heart, or I could hide it and have the guilt gnaw away at me until I ended up blurting it out anyway. Wanting to put off facing him, I just texted him like the coward I was.
TO: Gee.
(8:57pm)
Mom said I can stay over. See you tomorrow.
I knew it was blunt, but I wasn't in the mood for pleasantries. I just wanted to sleep, but I knew it was too early and my Mom would suspect something was up. I groaned and kicked my bedside table. Why was my whole life becoming about secrets? Hiding Cam from Gerard, hiding Gerard from...everyone. It was too much to keep up with. I laughed a bit at that – I wasn't normally one to play the victim. I knew that this was all my fault, but it didn't make it any easier – if anything, it made me feel worse.
Of course, Gerard knew me far too well and called me. I groaned, hoping I'd have the strength to keep my damn mouth shut.
"Hello?" I said softly.
"Something happened." He said. It wasn't a question.
"Not really."
"Not really?" he asked incredulously.
"We didn't fuck." I said simply. He took in a shaky breath.
"You kissed him."
"He kissed me." I argued. He sighed.
"I see." He said quietly. He was quiet for a long time, and I was too afraid to say anything, so I just waited.
"How was it?" he asked hoarsely.
"Fine. It wasn't anything special. Nothing like you."
"I don't need to hear that right now." He laughed bitterly.
"What do you want me to say?"
"The truth. Tell me you loved it. Tell me that you wished you didn't have to stop, but that you felt guilty, so you made yourself. I already know that I'm not much more than a damn inconvenience, so you may as well just say it." He said, his voice switching between rage and despair.
"It was nice. It felt nice to kiss him, okay? Yes, I liked it. But, Gerard, I love you. I love you so much that there's not room in me to love anything else. It's just you, okay?" I said.
"I know, sweetheart. It's okay." He said sadly.
"You can see how this is good for us, right?" I asked.
"Yeah, I do. I mean, you can stay with me, right? That's huge." He said, and I felt a wave of relief – he still wanted me to stay with him.
"Yeah. I just feel so bad and confused all the time." I groaned.
"Do you want to be with him?" he asked softly.
I was silent for a moment, and heard him pull in a shaky breath. Did I?
"No. I want you. I've always only wanted you. Whatever's happening with him doesn't mean anything, okay? It's just you." I said.
"Goodnight, Frank. I'll see you tomorrow." He said wearily.
"Okay, night. I love you." I said.
He hung up.
